Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
March 29, 1999
Q:Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A:Because the chicken hadn't evolved yet!
Kate Lehman, Age: 10
A Florida Game Warden escorted a poacher to face an angry Judge. The Judge asked: "What earthly reason did you have to shoot and kill a peaceful Great Blue
Heron?". The poacher replied: " Yer honor, if you cook
them just right, they taste better than Bald Eagle".
Bob Williams, Olmsted Falls, Oh
Q:Why does Bill Clinton wear boxer shorts?
A:To keep his ankles warm.
Brian Timm-Brock, Age: 10
How many Lutherans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five:1 to screw in the lightbulb and four to organize the potluck supper in memory of the old one.
Brian Timm-Brock, Age: 10
Upon his arrival at the airport, Dan Quayle is asked by a friend where he came from. "From the Haig-ue," he replies. Mr. Quayle's aide whispers to him: "Sir, 'Haigue,' not "Haig-ue." Mr. Quayle nods and tells his friend, "Sorry, but you know the pronunciation of the names of some European cities, they're vaig-ue." Again the aide whispers, "Sir, that's vague, not vaig-ue." "Oh all right," Mr. Quayle snaps, "let's not arg about that!"
Mikki Unson, Northfield, MN
A middle aged woman had a near death experience where she spoke with God.
"Am I going to die?" asked the woman.
The Lord replied, "not now, you are going to live another 43 years, 4 months and 3 days."
Sure enough the woman recovers ok. She thinks, since I am going to live to be an old woman, I should look my best. So she goes and has a face lift, a tummy tuck and what ever else augmentation she can afford. She leaves the clinic, steps off the curb and is hit and killed by a passing truck.
She asked the Lord, "I thought you said I was going to live another 43 years, 4 months and 3 days."
The Lord replied, "when you stepped off the curb, I didn't recognize you!"
Frank Sanders, Marshall, TX
A young man was driving on a back road and got a flat tire. He could see a glimer of light from a farm house up the road. so as he started toward it, he got to thinking to himself - suppose the farmer is not home - suppose he will not answer the door - suppose if i ask him for a jack to change my tire he will not let me borrow it? Do you suppose he would not turst me with it ? - Well he thought to himself if he feels that way I will just turn and leave - maybe there is another place around here - the more he thought about it the more upset he got - He got to the door, knocked. The farmer came and opened the door - the young man yelled at the farmer - O.K. YOU CAN JUST KEEP YOUR OLD JACK!!
janice wiebelt, hartville, , oh
Yo mama's so cross-eyed, she dropped a dime and picked up two nickels!
Nic Lloyd, Age: 16
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who...
...is hanging around in your wallet? (Bill)
...lies at your front door? (Matt)
...is at the bottom of a hole? (Doug)
...floats around all day? (Bob)
...resides in your bathroom? (John)
...you use for playing catch with your children? (Chuck)
...is terribly honest and open? (Frank)
...is a surface for you to bounce your basketball? (Jim)
...hangs on the wall of a museum? (Art)
...supports your automobile? (Jack)
...sleeps with your baby daughter? (Ted)
...you feel relieved to see? (Hugh)
...is regularly beaten with drumsticks? (Tom)
...is fertilizer for your garden? (Pete)
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. He takes it, downs it in a gulp, and says "There I sat with that darn piccolo. There I sat with that darn tuba."
The guy next to him finds this very strange, but decides not to comment. The first man then repeats his actions, once again downing his drink and repeating "There I sat with that darn piccolo. There I sat with that darn tuba."
Curiosity begins to creep into the corners of the second man's mind, but he still decides to let the obviously depressed man drink in peace. However, when the third time rolled around, he could no longer contain his curiosity, and inquired as to why this man was repeating these two sentences over and over again.
The first man began his story.
"I play piccolo in the local orchestra. We recently went on tour to Europe and Northern Africa. We started in Cairo, Egypt, where we received incredible critical acclaim. They absolutely loved us, and the president invited us to go to the treasury and fill our instruments with gold. There I sat with that darn piccolo.
"We continued from there to London, where we sold out a performance at the Royal Albert Hall. The Queen herself approached us and begged us to go to the crown room and fill our instruments with jewels. There I sat with that darn piccolo.
"Our third stop was Paris, and it was the same as in the other two cities. The president invited us to raid the treasury for as much silver as could be fit in our instruments. There I sat with that darn piccolo.
"I decided that I was going to get smart, so before our next stop (Moscow), I switched to tuba. I thought to get in on some of the goods that were surely to follow. Part of our program was the Tchaikowsky 'Pathetique' Symphony. Nobody mentioned to us that our interpretation of it was not in accordance with what the Russians liked. They absolutely hated us there. They informed us that they were going to shove our instruments up our rear ends. There I sat with that darn tuba..."
Stephen Karr, Macon, GA
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