Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
March 29, 1999
You might be a South or North Dakotan if..
*You consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping the food will swim by.
*You keep the snow tires on your truck all year because it ain't worth taking them off for only two months.
*You are proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights each year because Brookings is the coldest spot in the nation.
*You think a basketball team consists of twelve white boys.
*Someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there.
*Your Dad's sun tan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead.
*You have ever apologized to a telemarketer.
*You believe that REAL vehicles have skis in front and a loud motor under your seat.
*You have a nickname for your chain saw and you pat it on the fuel tank at the end of a hard day's sawing.
*You may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of Lutefisk.
*You consider snow banks to be "just another rough" on the golf course.
*You were delighted to get a miniature snow shovel for your 3rd birthday.
*Your birthday was in April, and you still got to use the shovel right away.
*Your town has an equal number of bars and churches.
*You go to a high school basketball game, the score is 12-8 at halftime, and you don't think there's anything strange about that.
*You have ever had an entire telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number.
*You know how to say Sinai and Pierre.
*You never had to rewind any part of "Fargo" because you missed some of the dialogue.
*Your town isn't trying to be ironic when it plans a "winter carnival."
*Your bank has the name of your town included in its name.
*The first time you saw "Grumpy Old Men" you thought it was a documentary.
*You think that "UFF DA" is a standard English phrase. *Your favorite sport when it's cold outside is played where it's cold inside.
*You can recite, from memory, more than a half-dozen "Ole and Lena" jokes.
*You know people named Ole and Lena.
*You thank God every morning for not making you an Iowan or Nebraskan.
*You believe that bitter cold, a slippery surface and speed go together in a sport and on the Interstate.
*Every time you see moonlight on a lake you think of a dancing bear, and sing, gently, "From the land of sky-blue waters . . . Hamm's, the beer refreshing. Hamm's, the beer refreshing."
*You remember the thrill of going to the top of the SDSU Campanile.
*Your dog dies, your spouse leaves you, you lose your job, and your car breaks down, all on the same day, and the first thought that comes to your mind is, "It could be worse".
*It gets worse.
Laura Klusener, Maize, KS
How to Identify Where a Driver is From:
* One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago
* One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York
* One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
* One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: L.A.
* Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
* Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
* One hand on lap, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
* One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
* One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male
* One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother-of-pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
* Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia
* Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida
Laura Klusener, Maize, KS
You're UNdeniably Lutheran When...
Feeling guilty for no reason? Of course you are...you're Lutheran! If you can laugh at yourself, read on!
...you only serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color for the season.
...you didn't know chow mein noodles were a Chinese food.
...when someone mentions red and green (in terms of Christmas), you immediately think of a battle over hymnals.
...during the entire service you hold your hymnal open but never look down at it.
...during communion you hum the hymns so you can see who's at church that Sunday.
...rather than introducing yourself to a visitor at church, you check their name out in the guestbook.
...you think Garrison Keillor's stories are totally factual.
...you have your wedding reception in the fellowship hall and feel guilty about not staying to help clean up.
...a midlife crisis means switching from the old hymnbook to the new one.
...you forget to put water in the baptismal font but never forget to put water in the coffee pot.
...the pastor skips the last hymn to make sure church lasts exactly 60 minutes.
...you make spaghetti at your house with the little macaroni noodles because they're not so messy then.
...you don't make eye contact when passing someone in the hall because you think it's impolite.
...your choir believes volume is a fair substitute for tonality.
...you don't know what was sooo funny about dat movie "Fargo" then.
...in response to someone jumping up and shouting "Praise the Lord!", you politely remind him or her that we don't do that around here.
...you think a meeting isn't legitimate unless it's at least three hours long.
...peas in your tuna noodle hotdish add too much color.
...you make change in the offering plate for a ten.
...your dad's name is Luther N., your brother is Luther Hahn and you are Lew Theran.
...you think butter is a spice.
...the church is on fire, and you rush in to save the coffee pot.
...you have more than five flavors of Jell-O in your pantry.
...you know what a "dead spread" is.
...you talk to someone else and look at their shoes first.
...you have more than three friends whose first names have the letter "j" as the second letter.
...the only open pew is up front, so you volunteer to shovel the sidewalk.
...Ole and Lena are really the names of your relatives.
...you know what a Lutheran Church Basement Woman is.
...you give a party and don't tell anyone where it is.
...you think hotdish is one of the major food groups.
...http://www.luthbro.com is one of your bookmarks.
...your five-year-old recites the Old Testament books as Genesis, Exodus, Lutefisk...
...someone asks you after church if there's any "decaf coffee" and you laugh because you KNOW that if it doesn't have caffeine, it can't be coffee!
...you think anyone who says "casserole" instead of "hotdish" is trying to be uppity (or maybe even Episcopalian!)
...you think the term "Jell-O salad" is redundant.
...you freeze the leftover coffee from fellowship hour for next week.
...you were little you actually thought the Reverend's first name was "Pastor."
...you think you're paying your pastor too much if he gets a new car for the first time in eight years.
...you hear something really funny and smile as loud as you can.
...it takes 10 minutes to say good-bye.
...doughnuts are in the official church budget.
...they have to rope off the last pews in church so the front isn't empty.
...you're watching "Star Wars" in the theatre and when they say, "May the force be with you," the theatre replies, "and also with you."
...you tap a church visitor on the shoulder and say, "excuse me, but you're in my seat."
...you doodle on the back of communion cards.
...you can say the meal prayer all in one breath.
...Bach is your favorite composer just because he was Lutheran, too.
...you hesitate to clap for the church choir or special music because "it just wasn't done that way in the old days."
...your church library has three Jell-O cookbooks.
...it's time to change a lightbulb and the left side of the aisle begins a debate on "change," while the right side of the aisle musters five volunteers--one to hold the bulb, and four to turn the ladder.
...you laugh out loud while reading this list, and relive your childhood at the same time.
... you think the four food groups are coffee, lefse, lutefisk, and Jell-O.
...you can actually come up with responses to this.
...you sign a petition to have Campbell Soup Co. rename its "Cream of Mushroom soup" "Lutheran Binder!"
...you actually think the pastor's jokes are funny.
...the bumper sticker on your car says, "Legalize Lutefisk!"
... you pronounce the word Lutheran "Lutern."
...requests you hear are preceded or followed by the phrase, "If it's not too much trouble then..."
...you know all the words to the first verse of "Silent Night" in German but can't speak a word of it.
...you carry silverware in your pocket to church just in case there's a potluck.
...you have an uncontrollable urge to sit in the back of any room.
... P.M.S. is defined as "Post Merger Syndrome."
...your house is a mess because you're "saved by Grace," not by works.
...the doilies underneath the Thanksgiving flowers make nice snowflakes at Christmas.
...you think the communion wafers are too spicy.
...your mother reminds you often that she wishes you'd studied the organ.
... you dress up as your favorite reformer for Halloween.
...your mother could give any Jewish mother a run for the money in the guilt department.
...you think lime Jell-O with cottage cheese and pineapple is a gourmet salad.
...you think that an ELCA Lutheran bride and an LCMS groom make for a "mixed marriage."
Laura Klusener, Maize, KS
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Bruce Ristow, Rochester, NY
A blonde is sitting in a car with her boyfriend. The boyfried tells the blonde, "I need you to check and see if the signal lights are working, could you stick out your head and check?" so the blond sticks her head out the window and replies;" yes, no, yes, no..."
Jonathan Romero, Age: 13
Yo mamas so stupid it takes her two hours to watch 60 minutes
yo mamas so stupid she stole a free sample
yo mamas so stupid she looks for the sunday paper on tuesdays
yo mamas so fat, she eats wheat THICKS
yo mamas so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale
know how they made the movie "speed?"
they dressed her up, and drove her while dangeling a cupcake in front of her!
Jonathan Romero, Age: 13
A well-dressed young businessman walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "what can I get you?" The well-dressed man replies, "I'll have a glass of 12 year-old scotch." The bartender returns with the drink. The man takes a sip, winces, and spits it out, exclaiming "that's 10 year old scotch! How dare you insult a man of my stature with inferior scotch!" The bartender explains that the bar doesn't carry 12 year-old scotch, and he had thought the man would wouldn't notice the two year difference.
The well-dressed man next asks for 15 year-old bourbon. The bartender returns with the drink. The man takes a sip, winces, and spits it out, exclaiming "that's 12 year-old bourbon! How dare you insult a man of my stature with inferior bourbon." The bartender appologizes, citing his earlier explaination.
The situation repeats itself regarding the well-dressed man's next request, this time for a 30 year-old glass of port wine.
Meanwhile, an old drunk at the end of the bar calls the bartender down and produces a glass. Handing the glass to the bartender, he says, "give this to that well-dressed man, tell him it's on me."
The bartender gives the drink to the well-dressed man, indicating the old drunk at the end of the bar. The man takes a siip, winces, and spits it out. "My Lord!" he cries, that tastes like urine!" "It is," replies the old drunk, "now tell me how old I am."
Geoff Gadow, Poplar Grove, IL
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