Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
March 29, 1999
Dear Mr. Cameron:
As a courtesy, we are sending you a copy of this letter we recently wrote your 15-year-old daughter in response to a query we received from her.
Dear Ms. Cameron.
Thank you for your letter. Yes, we are pleased to report, your father's old high school is still standing and our library was able to find yearbooks dating "all the way back" to his graduation. In fact, a few teachers even remember your father, which I will get to in a moment.
In answer to your first question: In every picture extant of your father he is well shod, wearing what I believe were called "earth shoes" back then. Also, the weather here is moderate, with snow generally lasting from December until March - hardly the entire school year. Thus his descriptions of the conditions under which he "struggled" to school in the morning do, as you suggested, seem a bit exaggerated. In fact, our bus logs are (remarkably) still intact, revealing that not only was your father a registered passenger, but that his parents paid the extra ten dollars a month for door-to-door delivery.
I am sure there were days when your father was very "sharply dressed," as you state he puts it, but in every single photograph I was able to uncover he is wearing exactly the same thing: bell-bottom blue jeans with white strings trailing from the edges onto the floor, horizontal
rents in the knees, and no belt buckle. His T-shirt displays a message easily communicated with hand gestures. His hair hangs past his shoulders and looks as if it was exposed to a lot of wind - perhaps he rode the school bus with the window open.
As to academics and "concentrating on the basics," one must remember the times: the "basics" back then may very well have embraced some of your father's elective subjects, which included "Personal Citizenship", "Ecology", and one which apparently was called "Relevance." We have no record of what, if anything, was taught in these classes. What records we do have show that your father did indeed take Geometry, just as he
claims. In fact, he took it his sophomore year, repeated it his junior year and repeated the course again his senior year - Geometry was required for graduation.
Now as to Mr. Muggins, who had your father in a class called "Problems of Modern Relationships." Mr. Muggins does not wish to dispute the claim that your father always had his homework done early, he merely wants to point out that no matter when it was done, it was always handed in late. In fact, your father sticks out in Mr. Muggins's mind as having the most outrageous excuses for being unprepared, including having to evacuate his home because it was infected with the China Syndrome.
Your father was not, sad to say, President of the Student Council. Perhaps he is confusing student government with a social group called "The Slackers," which Mr. Muggins recalls was a group of boys who sat in the hallway and made loud groaning noises whenever an attractive girl
strode past. Your father was assistant vice president of the club, and, to our knowledge, is the only past member not currently serving time in a federal penitentiary.
One thing IS completely verifiable: your father's name is, indeed, carved above the door to the school. Please advise that, now that we have noticed it, we will need to have it sanded out and refinished, at a cost of approximately three hundred dollars. We would appreciate it if your father would agree to pay for the damage without having to engage lawyers.
The honor roll to which he apparently referred is not above the door, it hangs outside my office. I will leave unanswered the question as to whether his name is upon it.
Thank you very much for your letter, which we found most amusing. Be sure to tell your father hello from Mr. Muggins.
Laura Klusener, Maize, KS
The last few weeks have seen many mergers, and anticipating them could mean excellent Market gains. Here are some likely mergers to expect in the future . . .
Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs.
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild.
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.
W. R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics, and Hale Business Systems: New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
3M & Goodyear: mmmGood
John Deere & Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: Honey, I'm Home
Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining: Mine, All Mine
3M, J.C. Penney, Metropolitan Opera Company: 3 Penney Opera
Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants: Poupon Pants
Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women: Knott NOW!
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining: Zip Audi Do-Da
Netscape & Yahoo: Net 'n' Yahoo
Laura Klusener, Maize, KS
A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Howard". At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, "How come you called God, "Howard"? The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father,
who art in Heaven, Howard be Thy name."
One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on
his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
And this particular four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and after church, asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to
whistle... And He just then did!"
One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer. "Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, if I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take."
A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. "Dear God, thank you for these pancakes." When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight."
A little boy's prayer. "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," the little girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say, " the mother said. The little girl bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these
people to dinner?"
Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer. "Fine," said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you." "Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!"
Laura Klusener, maize, KS
> If you love something, set it free.
> If it comes back, it will always be yours.
> If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
> If it just sits in your living room, watches your TV, messes up your
> stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't
> appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you
> either married it or gave birth to it.
David Broadus, Marshall, TX
A kindergarten teacher asked her students to bring
something that was related to their religion to
"show and tell" time. On the appropriate day, she
asked the students to come forward and share with
the rest of the students.
The first child said "I am a Muslim and this is my
The second child said "I am Jewish and this is my
Star of David"
The third child said "I am Catholic and this is my
The fourth child said "I am Pentecostal and these
are my hands that I lift in praise."
The fiftth child said "I am Presbyterian and this is
my straight-face mask."
The sixth child said "I am Hindu and this is my
The seventh child said "I am Southern Baptist and
this is my fishing rod."
The eighth child said "I am Episcopalian and this
is a picture of our wet bar."
The final child said "I am Church of Christ and this
is my casserole dish."
David Broadus, Marshall, TX
Jerry Falwell, a well-known religious protector of 'public decency',
was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the
plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The President asked for a whiskey and soda which were brought and
placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he
would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped
by a brazen whore than let than let liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."
David Broadus, Marshall, TX
Have you ever thought that it is easier to get to heaven if you are Lutheran for we have fewer sins. The Baptists can simply think about dancing and they have sinned. Lutherans actually have to think hard about what they did that was a sin.
One summer day I went by a church that had its sprinkler system going and I began to wonder, would a church that truly believed in the power of pray have a sprinkler system?
Rauch Wise, Greenwood, SC
Q: What do you call a mafia don with bad fitting shoes?
A: An ill-booted Gotti.
Marcus Smith, Bethesda, MD
Once their was this couple that were having a baby and they were part of an exparimnt that would transfer the pain to the birth father . During the operation they were fine. Later they got home and they found the mailman dead on their door step.
Connor Lynch, Age: 12
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