Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
March 29, 1999
Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the opossum that it could be done. (Feel free to substitute porcupine, armadillo, snake, etc.)
dennis smoyer, bluffton, oh
A dog owner brings his sick dog to his vet. The vet examines the dog and pronounces the dog terminally ill. The pet owner requests a second opinion and the vet bring his own kitten in, who examines the sick dog and shakes his head.The pet owner, again, requests another opinion. This time the vet brings in his Labrador retriever who jumps up on the examining table with the sick dog, sniffs and licks the sick dog,then also shakes his head. The pet owner, now convinced, asks how much he owes the doctor. The doctor replys, $650. The pet owner,surprised, asks why the bill is so high. The doctor replies that the exam was only $50 but the additional $600 was for the cat scan and the lab test.
Vincent Wright, Westbury, NY
A musician joke:
There are these two string bass players sitting in the back row of the orchestra during a performance of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. One looks to the other and says, "This is kind of a slow movement, and we don't play for another half hour. I bet we could slip out the back, go for a drink, come back in time for the last movement, and no one would notice."
The other bass player agrees and they very quietly sneak out the stage door, through the wings and across the street to a bar. They order a few beers, then a few more, and pretty soon they're sloshed.
The second bass player, a little less sloshed than the first, suddenly realizes that it's getting to be time to go back. As he gets up to leave, the first guy says, "Aw, siddown. We got plennya time 'fore we gotta be back on stage."
"How do you know?" Asks the second bass player.
"'Cause I tied the conductor's score shut at a page where the piece is really repetitive. He'll just keep repeating over 'an over 'an we'll have time for a couple more beers."
The second guy agrees, and they have a few more.
Finally, they decide to go back. They stumble through the wings onto the stage just as the conductor has ripped his score open to get to the last movement. They take up their instruments and begin playing wrong notes, skipping measures, and droping their bows every now and again.
A woman in the audience notices that something isn't right. She leans over to her companion and says, "What do you suppose the matter is?"
"It's obvious," she replies, "It's the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
Glen Varns, Minneapolis, MN
A tooter who tooted a flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor
Is it harder to toot?
Or to tutor two tooters to toot.
Jim Sinsky, Groveton, TX
Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce? the solicitor questioned his client. Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?
Oh, no, replied Mrs. O'Connor. Sure now, we only have a carport.
The solicitor tried again. Well, does the man beat you up?
No, no, said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. I'm always first out of bed.
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?
Sure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial.
Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have.
"Bless you, sir. We live in a flat - not even a window box, let alone grounds. Mrs. O'Connor, the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, you need a
reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?
Ah, well now, said the lady, Sure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation.
Catherine Reed, Shrewsbury, MA
Brendan Behan, late Irish author, was the soul of courtesy, but there were times when he
could give back as good as he got. Brendan and a friend were emerging from the Long
Hall in Dublin during the Christmas season, and Brendan had the misfortune to bump into
a lady laden with parcels, the result being to scatter her parcels all over the pavement.
Brendan promptly stooped to recover them from among the feet of the passers-by and
restore them to her arms, but her ladyship's temper was not satisfied.
"I'd have you know," she declared angrily, "that my husband's a detective, and, if he was
here, he'd take ye!"
This was too much for Brendan, who after all had done his best. "Ma'am," said he, "I don't
doubt it for a second. If he took you, he'd take anything."
Catherine Reed, Shrewsbury, MA
A racoon fel down and broke his leg.
Bob Barnes, St. Paul, MN
On a bitter winter night, Lena woke up her husband Ole and said, "The baby's comin', Ole, you better call the doctor."
But the phone and electricity were out. Ole saddled up his horse and rode ten miles for the doctor. The doctor came back, examined Lena, and said, "Yah, she's in labor, all right. Ole, make yourself useful. Light a kerosene lantern an' hold it just right there, an' I'll deliver the baby."
Ole held the lantern and pretty soon the doctor said, "Here it comes, Ole, here it comes -- you're the father of a baby boy! But wait, Ole, hold the lantern steady, hold the lantern --" and a few minutes later, the doctor said, "It's twins, Ole, you're the father of twins! But hold the lantern steady, Ole, hold the lantern -- I think it's gonna be triplets!"
And Ole said, "Doctor, do you t'ink it's the light that's attractin' 'em, den?"
Ole goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I got two problems. First, I seen dat Bob Dole on TV talkin' about how Vigoro can help your sex life dere, so I been dissolvin' a tablespoon of Vigoro in half a glass of water an' drinkin' it before bed every night, but so far, It ain't done me a bit of good."
And the doctor says, "Ole, that's supposed to be Viagra. Vigoro ain't no medicine, it's just a fertilizer."
And Ole says, "Oh, well, dat explains the berries, den."
Brad Strickland, Oakwood, GA
A duck waddles into a 7-11, walks up to the clerk and says, "Got any grapes?"
The clerk says, "No, I'm sorry, we don't have any grapes."
The duck walks back out.
About 10 minutes later, the duck walks back in again. he says, "Got any grapes?"
The clerk says, "No, we don't have any grapes, and I told you that 10 minutes ago!!"
The duck thinks about this, and then walks back out onto the street.
10 minutes later, the duck comes back in!! "Got any grapes?"
"NO!!!" the clerk yelled. "And if you come in here 10 minutes later again and ask your same dumb question, I will nail your feet to the ceiling!!"
The duck thinks about this, and then walks back out of the 7-11.
10 minutes later, the duck comes waddling back in! "Got any nails?"
"No," the clerk says.
"Got any grapes?"
Spencer Bagley, Age: 11
After years of winning fights and breaking up brawls, a bouncer from New York City decides to expand his horizons.
"I know I'm the toughest man in New York," he thinks, "but I want to prove myself to be the toughest man in the world. I want to go where the men are men, when they sleep under the stars, and wrestle aligators, and eat scorpions, and rope doggies."
So he quits his job, hops on his Harley and heads out west.
After a time he arrives at a small town in New Mexico. As he pulls up he sees cowboys roping cattle, men fighting in the streets, burly types snacking on rattle snakes and other animals normal people wouldn't eat.
"This," he thinks, "is the place."
He approaches a bar on the main street and asks if they are hiring.
"Yup," says the owner. "Our old bouncer just quit. You're hired."
So the man goes across the street to secure lodging at the local inn. As he is unpacking his stuff, he sees out the window that the local residents are hightailing it out of town! They're piled in wagons and trucks, riding horses and motorcycles, and leaving in droves. The man runs back across the street jsut in time to see the bartender locking up the bar.
"Where's everybody going?" the bouncer asks.
"We're leaving town! Bad Bart's coming! He is the meanest son of gun you have ever met! You don't want to mess with Bad Bart!" the bar owner replies, frantically trying to lock the bar.
"This is just what I've been looking for," the man thinks. "You go ahead and go," he says to the owner. "I'll just stay behind and watch the bar."
"Your funeral kid," the owner says, jumps on his horse and leaves.
The bouncer had barely been waiting five minutes when a rumbling sound comes from over the mountains. He looks up and sees the biggest grizzly bear he has ever seen. It's bigger than a Mac truck and every step it takes shakes the ground, knocks over trees and squashes small woodland creatures.
Riding on the back of the bear is the biggest, toughest man the bouncer has ever seen. He's huge. His hair is long and unkempt. His beard is bushy and full of briars and sticks and he is wearing overalls with no shirt under them and one stap unbuckled and slung over his shoulder. He has the bear by the scruff of his neck and is steering him by swinging his head back and forth. He smacks the bear on the butt with a cactus to make it go faster and turns his head to the sky and lets out a roar that makes birds fall dead from the sky.
The bear and it's giant rider pull up to the front of the bar. The man gets off the bear and puches it right in the nose and knocks it out cold. He kicks through the door, sending it flying off its hinges and knocks over tables and breaks chairs on the way to the bar. He goes behind the bar and grabs a bottle of rotgut whisket, slamming it agains the bar to break off the top. He guzzles the whiskey right from the broken bottle and he's got glass in his beard and blood and booze pouring down his face. He finishes the bottle, wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and starts toward the door.
"Where do you think you're going?" the bouncer asks.
The man responds, "I'm getting out of town! Bad Bart's coming!"
Jennifer Burgess, Newark, DE
Home | Next Page