Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 1, 1999
The teacher notices Billy doesn't seem to be paying attention in history class and suddenly asks, "Billy, what happened when Hannibal crossed the Alps with a hundred elephants?"
And Billy says, "He got a mountain range that never forgets."
Brad Strickland, Oakwood, GA
Added benefit when using Viagra:
If a man gets lost, he should take both a Viagra and an iron pill, and stand on a swivel board. He will end up pointing north!
Darwin Evans, Yakima, WA
One day a man walks out of his house and spots a gorilla in one of his trees. Surprised, he runs back into his house and grabs the yellow pages, looking for a gorilla removing service. After calling several, he finds one that can come over right away. After a short time, a van drives up and a serviceman gets out. The home owner shows the serviceman the gorilla in the tree. The serviceman goes back to his van and gets out a ladder, a baseball bat, a chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs, and a gun. The serviceman places the ladder against the tree. Then, he tells the homeowner the following: "I'm going to climb the ladder and use the bat to knock the gorilla out of the tree. When the gorilla hits the ground, the chihuahua will run over and bite the gorilla between the legs. When the gorilla grabs the chihuahua, put the handcuffs in him. Ok?" The homeowner says, "Ok." The serviceman asks, "Any questions?" The homeowner says, "What's the gun for?" The serviceman says, "If I fall out of the tree first, may sure you shot the chihuahua!"
Jim Bourgeois, Jackson, WY
What's the difference between an oboeist and a psychiatric ward patient
The oboeist hasn't been caught yet
(oboeist is a person who plays the oboe)
Michelle Lehman, Age: 15
Ever notice how taking your kid's hamster to the vet is strangely similar to taking your disposable lighter to the repair shop?
Kristina Plath, Age: 16
I have 3 more jokes-
Q. How many members of the Starship Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the engineering section is burnt out. Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the light bulb dead. Scotty complains that with the light bulb dead, he can't see to tend to the engines. So Kirk must make an emergency stop on the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, and procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers are beamed down to the surface of the planet. The 3 security officers are immediately killed, and the rest of the landing party are captured.
Meanwhile, back on the Enterprise, Scotty detects a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to avoid detection.
Back on Alpha Regula IV, Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and, as a reward, the landing party is given all the light bulbs they can carry.
Scotty, having crippled the Klingon ship, arrives back in orbit just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. and the U.S.S. Enterprise continues with her 5 year mission.
Joke No. 2--
A Californian man and his wife decide after having their tenth child that ten is enough children for 1 couple. So, the next day, the Californian man goes to his doctor and asks if there is a low-budget procedure for this. His doctor tells him that there is a thing called a vasectomy, and is just about to explain the procedure to him when he thinks of another way to do it, so he tells Mr. California to put a cherry bomb in a tin can, hold it beside his ear and count to ten.
Mr. California thinks that this is absurd. "How can a cherry bomb in a tin can next to my ear help?" he thinks. So he goes to Nevada for a second opinion.
He gets to Nevada and the doctor there tells him the EXACT SAME THING!! "So," he thinks, "two doctors can't both be wrong, so I'll do it."
He gets home, puts a cherry bomb in a tin can and holds it next to his left ear. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," he counts, then he stops, thinks, and then puts the tin can inbetween his legs and starts counting on his other hand.
Joke No. 3--
A Californian, a Texan and a man from Seattle meet in a bar. They are good friends and are chatting away, when suddenly, the Californian grabs a bottle of fine chardonnay, throws it up in the air, and shoots it coming back down.
The Seattle guy and the Texan are naturally amazed! They say, "Now why the heck would you do a thing like that?" they ask. He replies, "Well, there's a lot of wine where I come from, so it's not really as important to me." The Texan says, "OK, whatever."
About 5 minutes later, the Texan grabs a bottle of fine tequilla, throws it up in the air, and shoots it coming back down. The Californian and the Seattle guy say, "Lemme guess. There's a lot of tequilla where you come from, so it does't mean that much to you." Tex says, "Correct."
About 3 minutes later, the Seattle guy finishes off his beer, throws the bottle up in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Californian, and finally catches the bottle coming back down. The Texan is totally stunned! "Now what in heck made you do that?!?!? You're probably going to be put in prison and executed!!!"
The Seattle guy says, "Well there's a lot of Californians where I come from, and I thought I would recycle the bottle."
Spencer Bagley Bagley, Age: 11
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Man, I'm dying to have sex in the worst way."
So the bartender says, "Well, the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock."
A Russian fellow has saved and saved and finally can purchase an automobile. He goes to the state store to order his car and is informed that it will be delivered in ten years. The man then asks:
"Will it be here in the morning or the afternoon?"
"Why are you concerned? It's quite some time from now."
"Because the plumber is coming in the morning."
A young woman who felt very guilty when she had to put her elderly mother into a nursing home, went to visit her to see if she was adjusting properly. She was relieved to see how clean and nice the place was, and since her mother was in her new bed having lunch she decided to join her for the meal. Part way through, her mother started leaning to one side. Instantly an attendant appeared and
straightened her up. Several minutes later, she leaned to the other side. Again, an attendant
immediately ran over and helped her get upright in her bed. The rest of the meal was without
incident, and over coffee the daughter asked her mother how she felt about the nursing home.
"Well honey, the place is nice and clean and the service is good, but there's one thing I really can't
"What's that?" asked the daughter.
"They don't let you fart here!"
How do you get an elephant out of the theatre?
You can't. It's in their blood.
How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It doesn’t matter. Nobody will notice anyway.
How many directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
3...no, make that 4...on second thought 3... well, better make it 5 just to be safe.
How many stage managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
I DON’T CARE!!! JUST DO IT!!!
How many lighting designers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Where’s my assistant?
How many audience members does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to do it and another to say, "ROSE, HE’S CHANGING THE LIGHT BULB."
How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?
Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A tree in a golden forest.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
Three college boys on entering their favorite coffee joint found their usual booth occupied by a matronly woman. They decide to move her on, and took the table closest to her.
The first began: "John, did you know I was born three months before my parents were married?"
The second replied, "So? I was born right after my parents were married."
The third grinned at their neighbor. "Heck, my parents still ain’t married!"
At which point the lady smiled: "Will one of you bastards please pass the salt?"
A small circus was on its Southern leg, passing through a small town. During the night a sudden storm spooked the outfit’s only elephant, which staged a solitary stampede. The next morning bright and early the town sheriff got a call.
"Come out immediately!" the flustered woman of the house was saying. "There’s a huge animal of some sort in my garden, and he’s pulling up my cabbage with his tail!"
"What’s he doing with your cabbage?" asked the sheriff.
Silence, then: "You wouldn’t believe me if I told you."
A lady who lives in a small Minnesota town had two pet monkeys of which she was very fond. One of them happened to take sick and die. A couple of days later the other one died of a broken heart.
Wishing to keep them, the kindly lady took them to the taxidermist. The man asked her if she would like them mounted.
"Oh, no," she replied, "just have them holding hands."
D. H. Gee, Providence, RI
Bob had never been ice fishing before and thought he'd give it a try. He bought all the equipment and went out on the ice. He began to drill a hole when a voice from above boomed, "There's no fish here!" Bob looked around, picked up his stuff and moved about fifty feet. He began to drill another hole when the voice boomed again, "There's no fish here!" Bob looked up and asked sheepishly, "Are you God?" The voice answered, "No you idiot, I'm the rink manager!"
Michael DiDomenico, Euclid, OH
Ole was listening to a new radio station that featured big band music -- Tommy Dorsey, Glenn Miller -- and he asked Ole, Jr., if he'd ever listened to that station yet, and Junior replied "No, I don't listen to records they made before they had words."
could also be constructed as a "Your Mamma is so old that she listens to Beethoven, Mozart, Vivaldi, music made back before they had words."
actually repeating the idea that my daughter said, and she wasn't joking.
Bruce Johnson, Casper, WY
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