A Prairie Home Companion Online Activities Archive

A Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999
April 1, 1999

What's Irish and stays out all night?
Patio furniture!

Kate Griswold, Reno, NV

What do you call a blonde who dyed her hair brown

Artificial intelegence (does spelling count?)

You know you've been in band too long when:

Armed guard means a girl with a flag instead of a guy with a gun

when your instrument has a name

when your instrument has a birthday

when you have a birthday party for your instrument and invite all your friends and their intruments

when you remember your intrument's birthday and forget your own

that's all for now

Michelle Lehman, Age: 15

Many people are unaware that J. S. Bach was an avid horseman. Much of his musical inspiration came while riding. So it was a disasterous day when the great composer's horse tripped, smashing poor Johann to the ground. In extreme pain, J. S. had to stay in bed and could not concentrate on composing.
This might have proved the end of his career, except for the fortunate intervention of a Dr. Gustav Heimlich, one of the early practitioners of what we now refer to as "Physical Therapy". Through a strenuous regiment of massage and exercise, Dr. Heimlich succeeded in "getting Bach in the saddle again!"

Malcolm Cameron, Deerfield, NH

Three men died and were waiting at Heaven's gate. St. Peter approached and told the men they'd have to answer a question before being admitted. The first man stepped foward and St. Peter asked him, "Tell me the true meaning of Easter." The man replied, "Oh that's when the guy in the red suit flies around and drops toys down chimneys." St. Peter shook his head in dispair and told the man to stand off to the right. The second man stepped foward and was asked the same question. He replied, "That's whe the rabbit hides eggs and children search for them and eveyone eats chocolate." St. Peter was again dispointed and told this man to join the first. The third man came up and was asked the question. His response was, "That's when our Lord was hung on the cross. He died and was placed in the tomb. After three days His disciples came and rolled back the stone. He came out, saw His shadow, and we had six more weeks of winter.

Michael DiDomenico, Euclid, OH

Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the Shell Station.

nathan ford, wasilla, ak

How do you tell a Republican?
He thinks that the Sand Creek Massacre was a battle.

Chuck Wilson, Golden, co

A woman is awakened from a deep sleeep at 2AM by her husband who hands her a glass of water and 2 aspirins.
"What's this for?" she asked.
"It's for your headache," he answered.
"I don't have a headache."

Max Bromberg, Hope, ID

What do you call an agnostic, insomniac with dyslexia?

A person who lays awake all night wondering if there is a dog.

Richard Flood, Commerce Towhship , Mi

Here'a a second joke. Maybe a bit intellectual but you can try it on Governor Jesse.
Rene Descartes walks into a bar, sits down, and begins to munch on the peanuts and chips. After about 20 minutes the bartender comes over and says, "You gonna buy a drink?" Descartes answers. "No. I don't think I am." And he vanished.

Hint: Cogito ergo sum.

max Bromberg, Hope, ID

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