Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 1, 1999
The county game warden dies and Sven and Ole devise a
plan that will hopefully land one of them in the position.
They flip a coin and Ole calls it.
"Heads" he cries. "You'd be callin the mayor Sven."
So Sven calls up the mayor and says:
"Mayor, I hear the game warden died last night. If its alright with you, I'd like to take his place."
The Mayor replied:"It's alright with me if it's alright with the undertaker."
Seth Shaw, Wilmore, KY
Why did South Dakotan's give up the timeless tradition of writing birthday wishes on cakes such a long time ago?
A; Because the cake kept ruining the typewriter.
Ames Penn, Wilmore, KY
Sven and Ole were sittin' on the porch discussing Sven's job which is to caretake the town's prized cannon from the Civil War.
Sven says to Ole: Ole, I've about had it with my job."
Ole: How about you quit then Sven?
Sven: "Well Ole, I did, effective tomorrow."
Ole: Congratulations, Sven.
Sven: Yep, I've saved up enough money to buy me a cannon and go into business for myself.
Seth Shaw, Killington, VT
Adam and Eve #1; Adam was walking sad and lonely
in the garden, when the Lord appeared and walked with
him. The Lord speaketh;"Adam,you need a woman!"
Adam replied 'What's a woman?' The Lord replieth "A
woman shall have a beautiful figure forever, cook and be a faithfull servant, never disagree with you,cater to your every whim and desire and be perfect in all ways" Adam asked "What will that cost me?' The Lord replieth " An
arm and a leg" Adam asked "What do I get for a rib?"
Bob Williams, Olmsted Falls, Oh
Two fish were in a tank. One says to the other...
"You ever driven one of these before?"
Melissa Schick, Scarsdale, NY
While driving through Minnesota farm country, a traveling salesman's car breaks down and he is left to walk for help. He happens upon a farm house with lots of activity and is approached by the farmer. While explaining his situation, the salesman notices a three-legged pig running by. The salesman asks the farmer, "How come that pig has only three legs?" The farmer replies, "That's a very special pig! That pig is very intelligent. Why one night last winter, while me and the family were asleep, the wood stove caught fire and if it weren't for that pig running through the house and waking us up, we'd all be dead! I tell you, that's a very special pig!"
The salesman agreed that that was truely a remarkable story but he reminded the farmer it did not explain the three legs. The farmer then said " That is a very special pig! Last summer while I was plowing the field, I wasn't paying attention and drove the tractor over a bank and I was knocked out. When I came to, the tractor was on top of me. I hollered for help and it was that pig that heard me and went and got help. If it wasn't for that pig, that tractor would have crushed me to death. THAT, is a very special pig!"
Again, the salesman agreed that the pig was legendary but it still did not explain the three legs, so again he asked the farmer to explain. The farmer replied, "Well' if you had such a smart pig, you wouldn't eat him all at once, now would you?"
Alex Fiato, Binghamton, NY
Adam and Eve#2 Eve was walking sad and lonely thru
the garden when the Lord appeared walking beside her.
The Lord speaketh "Eve, you need a man!" Eve asked
"What is a man?" The Lord answereth "A man is big,
strong, and brave, will defend you and bring much game
for you to eat, however he will have a tremendous ego,
And likes to think he's better than all, even ME!" Eve asked "How do I deal with this EGO thing?' The Lord
Replieth " For a start, convince him he was made before
Bob Williams, Olmsted Falls, Oh
Q. How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None! The bulb contains the seeds of it's own revolution.
Andre Jordheim, Fargo, ND
God was finally fed up with the world and decided it was time to bring it to an end. Being compassionate, God decided to give fair warning, so he called the three most important people in the world to allow them to advise their constituencies of the imminent armagedon. Thus came together Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltson, and Bill Gates. They heard the words of the Lord God, and each returned to his people. Yeltsen summoned his advisors and said, "I'm afraid I have bad news and bad news: the first bad news is...there IS a God; and the second bad news is that God is going to destroy the world very soon". Bill Clinton called Congress into special session and said, "I have good news and bad news: the good news is...there IS a God; and the bad news is, God is going to destroy the world very soon." Bill Gates met his people with a broad smile. "I have good news and good news," he said. "The first good news is...I AM one of the three most important people in the world; the second good news is, we don't have to worry about the Y2K problem!"
Wendy Lyons, Suffield, CT
A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. After a few minutes he pulls a turtle out from his coat and sets it down right on the bar. The turtle just sits there, remaining in his shell while the man sips his drink.
Several of the other patrons notice this odd site and begin to get curious. Finally one brave soul says the the gentleman, "Excuse me sir, why do you have that turtle here?"
Aware of everyone's attention, he stands up, removes his coat and says "This here is my pet turtle and I've trained him to do tricks. Would you like to see one?"
"Yes" says the gathering crowd. With this, the man pulls up his shirt, grabs the turtle - knocking twice on its shell while holding it near his stomach. The turtle sticks his head out and gingerly bites down on the man's "outy" belly button.
This done, the man lets go of the turtle and begins to rapidly spin round and around with the turtle swinging out parallel with the floor. When he finishes spining his grabs the turtle, which releases its grip, and sets him back down on the bar.
As the applause dies down the man offers, "Would anyone else like to try this trick?"
"I would!" a little man says as he steps forward, "But please don't spin me that fast."
John Biddle, New Brunswick, NJ
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