Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 1, 1999
A telephone company work crew went out one morning to put in new telephone poles. The foreman was in charge of a bunch of first timers, and wanted to see how well they would work on their own.
After explaining how to get started, he split the group into 2 teams and appointed a leader for each team, hoping a little competition would help them work quickly. After that he left for most of the day.
That afternoon the foreman came back to check on their work. He drove up to team 1 and talked to the man in charge.
Foreman: "How many poles have you put in today Jones?"
Jones: "14 sir, and we're almost done with the 15th!"
He complimented them on their fine job and drove up the road to team 2, where he called on the team leader.
Foreman: "How many poles did you finish, Smith?"
Smith: "We got 3 done sir!"
Foreman: "What! THREE?! The other team has 15 done! How do you explain that!?"
Smith: "Well, did you see how much of their's is still sticking out of the ground!?"
John Biddle, New Brunswick, NJ
Sven and Ole go to the lake and rent a boat and go fishing. They eventually find a great spot and quickly catch their limit. On the way back to the dock, Ole says "Boy, that sure was good fishing. How will we ever find that place again?" Sven says "Don't worry. While we were there I put an X on the side of the boat." Ole says "You fool! That won't work!" "Why not?" "How do we know we'll get the same boat the next time?"
Stephen Riley, Clarendon Hills, IL
A Visit to the Vet
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table.
The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few minutes tells the man that his dog regrettably, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this,demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body.
The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dogs body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says "I'm sorry but the cat thinks your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Laborador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclamined the man...
"Well". the vet replies, "I would have only charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests. "
Lucie Klein, West Mystic, CT
Q: Why does a faucet drip?
A: Because it can't go...[sound effect: long snorking sniff]
Joyce Champion, Ehningen, B-W
Clinton and Gore go to lunch at a little restaurant across from the White House.
After they've looked at their menus, their waittress comes over to take their order.
Clinton says, "I'd just like a quicky."
The shocked waittress replies, "Considering the trouble you've gotten yourself in lately, that's a pretty stupid idea! I'll come back when you're ready to order."
After she leaves Gore leans over to an embarassed Clinton and says, "Bill, it's pronounced 'quiche'."
A cop sees a car going real slow and pulls it over.
It's an old lady driving and he gives her the "driving too slow is as dangerous as too fast" speech.
"But officer," she replies, "I was going exactly the speed limit, 28 miles per hour, just like the signs say."
"Those are the Route Numbers M'am, the speed limit is 55mph," the amused officer tells her.
As he talking to her he notices the other old ladies in the car are very pale, panting, and looking quite frightened.
"Is everything OK, ladies?", he asks.
"Yes, officer," one of them replies, "we're alright now. We just got off Route 212."
Julia Russell, Woodstock, NY
When I die I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did.. in his sleep; Not screaming like the passengers in his car.
Richard Flood, Commerce Township , Mi
The Missourian said "I've got a case of diarrhea," and theold Arkansawyer said, "Well, put it on ice, Ill be over to help you drink it later."
Thelma Reid, Washington, MO
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