Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 1, 1999
Three buddies die in a car crash. They go to heaven to an orientation:
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher, who made a hugh difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hera them say, "LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!!!!"
Jeff West, Murray, ut
Did you hear the one about a very fashionably dressed matron who walked into a very exclusive Beverly Hills psychiatrist's office one morning leadind a duck on a 24 K gold chain leash.
The psychiatrist looks up and says,"Good morning Madam! May I help you?"
And the woman replies," Oh no,it's not me , it's my husband! He thinks he's a duck!"
Flem Connell, Riverdale, Ga
"One more body discovered in the heaven's gate mansion!" This makes a total of 40 bodies found.
Apparently, one of the less astute members of the cult was found under the kitchen sink, behind the Comet!
Jeff West, Murray, ut
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Well, if it had four doors it would be a sedan.
Doug Crice, Saratoga, CA
GUY #1: Did you know that Ghandi went everywhere barefoot? As a result he developed incredible calluses on his feet. His search for spiritual enlightenment put him on many fasts resulting in extreme loss of weight. Also, a little know side effect of fasting is bad breath.
GUY#2: So what you're saying is that Ghandi was a super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
Steve Case, Oviedo, FL
"I was in Mercy, Australia, and I was served tea made
from the hair of a koala."
"Made from the hair of a koala? You're kidding! How
"Oh, it was awful. It was filled with koala hair!"
"Well, you know, the koala tea of Mercy is not strained."
Chaz Schlindwein, Greenwood, SC
Told by Barbara Bush on Friday, March 26, at an appearance at Southern Illinois University at Carbondale:
A veterinarian and a taxidermist went into partnership recently. Their motto is: "You get your dog back one way or the other."
Laraine Wright, Carbondale, IL
A college intern was impressed by how many people were in the Environmental Protection Agency's eight huge buildings in Washington, D.C. and Virginia. She approached a fellow who worked in her office for many years and asked, "How many employees work for EPA?" and he replied, "Oh, I'd say about one-fifth of us."
Brad Crowder, Arlington, VA
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