Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 1, 1999
Q: What do you call midget clairvoyant who has escaped from prison?
A: A small medium at large.
Kon Damas, Superior, CO
Q: What's the difference between Lex Luthor and Bill
A: One is a megalomaniacal billionaire bent on world
domination, and the other is a comic book character.
Jonathan Davis, St. Louis, MO
Question: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer: Only one, but the light bulb really has to want to change!
Bettyann Shuert, Springfield, MO
A farmer from Illinois and a rancher from Texas were talking to one another at a national conference on agriculture. Although the farmer had a big operation and
a lot of land, the rancher kept bragging about how much more land he owned. The rancher said, "You know, I can get in my pickup in the morning and drive all day long, and still never be off my own land." The farmer said, "Yup, I used to have a truck like that."
Bruce Bacus, Jacksonville, IL
I am a displaced Minnesotan who lives in Nakusp, British Columbia. I operate a restaurant that caters to helicopter skiers. While preparing meals for the skiers, particularly their first breakfast in the mountains, I noticed they were a bit appehensive, if not outright fearful, about skiing from the heights to which the chopper would carry them. To distract them from their concerns, I thought I would give them this advice:
Be sure to take your camera when you go skiing today because your helicopter will be passing over one of the world's most famous mountains: Cobb Mountain. Its fame is based on its possession of the world's largest cornice. (A cornice is an overhanging mass of tons of crusty snow that projects over the edge of a mountain peak. Its formation is the result of the prevailing winds that pull water out of the snow and thrust it over the edge of the high mountain's ridge.) So if you're ready with your cameras you will be able to capture a view of the this prominent feature that is known locally as the "Cornice on the Cobb".
Bob Nowak, Nakusp, BC
A man is sitting in an Irish pub in Boston, when another gentleman comes in and orders a drink. Moments later, a third man enters, sits down, and also orders a drink. The two new-comers start talking...
1: Aye there. What are'ye drinking?
2: I'm drinking Guiness. And you?
1: I'm drinking Guiness too!
2: Well, then; here's to Guiness!
So the two men toast, finish their beer, and order two more.
1: Where'ya from then?
2: I'm from the Republic?
1: Really?! I'm from the Republic as well!
So they toast the republic and order two more.
1: Where are you from in the republic?
2: I'm from County Roscommon.
1: AYE?!? I too am from County Roscommon! I live in Athlone.
2: Do ye? I live in Athlone as well!
So they toast Athlone and each order another pint.
1: Where do you live in Athlone then?
2: I live on Round's Road.
1: That's amazing....I LIVE ON ROUND'S ROAD!!!
Finally, the original man calls the bartender over and asks him what's going on with the two Irish guys of the bar. The bartender says:
"Oh, that's the O'Mally twins getting drunk again"
John Dellinger, Kaneohe, HI
The USO sends a ventriloquist to visit a ship at sea during WWII. During his act, he tells numerous jokes about the Marines, until finally an angry Marine stands up and shouts: "HEY YOU! I'M GETTING SICK OF YOU MAKING FUN OF MARINES!"
The ventriloquist says, "I'm sorry sir. They're just jokes and I didn't mean any harm by them."
The Marine responds: "I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU! I'M TALKING TO THAT LITTLE JERK ON YOUR KNEE!"
John Dellinger, Kaneohe, HI
What's the difference between a futon and tofu?
The futon tastes better.
Joseph Sliker, Milwaukee, WI
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