Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 1, 1999
Irish elderly lady sits at a bar with two glasses in front of her. I see her raise her glass in a silent toast and the other is untouched. She notices me watching and says "This is for me husband Micheal, dead fourteen years today. I remember the stormy night that the Plant Manager was banging upon me door and said "Mary There's been a accident at the plant and Micheal's dead ". I was frantic. I asked how did this happen? "Well Micheal slipped and feel into one of the whiskey vats and drowned." Oh my poor Micheal! Did he suffer? NO the Manager answered, "He got out three times to pee before he finally went down."
Harry Brock, MAPLE PARK, IL
Jesus and Satan had been arguing for days over their skills, but the last debate was over computer proficiency. Finally, God tired of it and told them, "Enough! I will have a computer skills contest. You both will have two hours to show your talents!"
As the contest started, both Jesus and Satan hunched over their desks and got to work. They did spreadsheets; they did word processing; they did faxes; they did e-mail; they got on the internet. It was pretty heavy.
There were only a few minutues left, when suddenly, a thunderstorm arose, with lightning and hail. The lights flickered, and the power went out. Satan was furious. He ranted, he raved, he threatened. He went back and forth. Jesus just sat there. After a couple of minutes, the power was back. Satan went to his computer, but there was nothing there. Jesus calmly re-booted, logged in, and began printing document after document.
"How? I lost everything when the power went out! I worked for hours! What happened? How come Jesus' work is still there?" Satan asked. God looked at him, smiled, and said, "Because Jesus saves."
Irvin Smith, Springfield, IL
I have a few short psychiatrist jokes:
A woman runs into the psychiatrist's office yelling, "doctor I think I'm a set of curtains!" The doctor said, "pull yourself together!"
A man bursts into a psychiatrist's office, interrupting an important phone call, and screams "doctor, you've got to help me! I think I'm a deck of cards!" The doctor replied, "I'll deal with you later!"
A kleptomaniac went to see a psychiatrist. He gave her something to take.
A man went to see a psychiatrist because he dreamed he was covered with gold. The doctor concluded that he had a guilt (gilt) complex.
Casandra Lomasney, Madison, WI
Einstein, Michelangelo, and Dan Quayle (or any other public figure you want to insult) are standing at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter says that before anyone can get into heaven, they will have to prove their identity. Einstein says, "get me a chalkboard and some chalk," and he proceeds to write out the whole proof for the theory of relativity. St. Peter says, "OK, you're in." Michelangelo says, "get me some paints and a canvas," and he proceeds to paint a perfect replica of the top of the Cistine Chapel. St. Peter says, "OK, you're in." Dan Quayle says, "How am I supposed to prove that I am who I say I am?" St. Peter says, "you'll just have to figure out a way like Einstein and Michelangelo did." "Who?" says Dan Quayle. "OK, you're in," says St. Peter.
Casandra Lomasney, Madison, WI
Two cannibals are sitting together, feasting on a clown. One cannibal looks at the other and (looking mildly perplexed) says, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Rachel Boyk, Portsmouth, NH
Yo mama's so ugly, she can make a train take a gravel road.
Yo mama's so ugly, she's got red spots all over her from a 10 foot pole.
Don Nelson, Tomah, Wi
Guy goes to a psychiatrist, says "Dr. you've got
to help me. I don't have a friend in the world.
Nobody will even talk to me".
The Dr. says "next".
Andrew Johnson, Las Vegas, NV
These are really more newspeak than jokes...
HE IS NOT & DOES NOT...
He does not have a beer gut, He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage
He is not a bad dancer, He is Overly Caucasian.
He is not quiet, He is a Conversational Minimalist.
He is not stupid, He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He does not get lost all the time, He investigates Alternative
He is not balding, He is in Follicle Regression.
He is not a cradle robber, He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He does not get falling-down drunk, He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He does not act like a total ass, He develops a case of Rectal-Cranial Inversion.
He is not short, He is Anatomically Compact.
He does not have a rich daddy, He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.
He does not constantly talk about cars, He has a Vehicular Addiction.
He is not unsophisticated, He is Socially Malformed.
He does not eat like a pig, He is Bulimic and forgets to purge.
He is not a sex machine, He is Romantically Automated.
He does not hog the blankets, He is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is not a male chauvinist pig, He has Porcine Empathy.
He does not undress you with his eyes, He has an Introspective Pornographic Moment.
He is not afraid of commitment, He is Monogamously Challenged.
He is not worthless, He has all the attributes of a hunting dog, except for loyalty, friendliness, and the ability to hunt.
Lisa Gross, Frankfort, KY