Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 5, 1999
Q: "Who is the only Irishman that sits outside in the summertime?
Q: What do you call Oklahoma pallbearers?
Well, seems like down in a county in the bayous of Louisiana, the Sheriff got wind of Saturday night cock-fighting down at the old abandoned sugar mill. So he sent his deputy down to investigate. When the deputy come back, he say to the sheriff, "They's cock-fightin' goin' on down theah, all right. And they seems to be three criminal elements involved: Aggies, Cajuns, and the Mafia." "Now hold on a minute, boy," said the sheriff. "The Mafia? You better tell how you done come to this heah conclusion." "Well," said the deputy, "They's Aggies for sure, on account of somebody done entered a duck in the cock-fight. And they's Cajuns for sure, on account of somebody done went and bet on the duck." "Well, but how about the Mafia?" said the sheriff, "How kin you 'splain that?" "Well," said the deputy, "They's the Mafia for sure, on account of because and seein' as how the duck won!"
Ole invites the game warden to go fishing. The game warden says, "Sure," and pretty soon they're fishing on a beautiful, warm day, out in the middle of the lake, in Ole's boat. But the fishing's slow. In fact, after a couple of hours neither one has had so much as a nibble. So Ole opens his tackle box, and as the game warden looks on in surprise, Ole takes a stick of dynamite from the tackle box, lights it, and tosses it overboard. BOOM! A couple of minutes later, stunned fish float to the surface, and Ole scoops 'em up into the boat. The game warden starts yelling, "Ole! You fool! You idiot! You could have gotten us killed! And for another thing, that's unsportsmanlike! Ole - I have to tell ya' - I'm gonna have to arrest ya'." And the game warden keeps spouting on and on and on.After a couple of minutes, Ole calmly reaches into the tackle box, takes out another stick of dynamite, lights it, and tosses the dynamite right into the warden's lap."OK, Warden, what's it gonna be?" says Ole. "Are ya' gonna keep talkin', or are ya' gonna fish?"
From the April Atlantic: God was talking to the first Welshman and telling him about the homeland he had picked out for him. "There is good news and bad news about the country I have picked out for you. First the good news: The country has tall mountains, lush forests, fertile valleys, clear running streams and a bounteous sea at its doorstep. It is one of the most beautiful spots I have on this earth."The First Welshman said, "That sounds quite marvelous, and I am honored you have selected such a wonderful place for me. But what is the bad news?" God replied,"Wait til you meet your neighbors."
Seems there was this nasty biker riding his hawg down the highway one day, when he spots a cat lying in the middle of the road. The biker thinks to himself, "I'll cut that cat in two"' and he bears down on it hard. As he gets closer, he suddenly realizes that it's not a cat, it's a large piece of metal lying in the road. Too late! His front wheel plows into it and he's sent flying over the handlebars onto the road at 80 MPH.Well, when he arrives in Hell, who should be welcoming the new arrivals but the Devil himself. As the Devil shakes the (ex)biker's hand, he asks mockingly, "So, how do you like it here?"The bad-ass biker replies, "Man, this is one COOL place!"The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so he decides to crank up the thermostat a notch.The next day, the Devil seeks out the biker and asks, "So, how do you like it now?"Still the bad-ass biker responds by saying, "This is great! Reminds me of those drug runs to Sonora during the hot afternoons in August." Naturally, the Devil is only more angered, and cranks the heat up as far as it can go. The next day, Hell is as hot as it gets.The Devil again asks the biker how he likes it. Undaunted, the biker proclaims, "It's almost as hot as the time I beat and robbed those vacationers in Death Valley. I love it!"Now the Devil is just plain pissed, so he turns the thermostat all the way down. The next morning, he finds the biker again and asks, "OK smart-ass, how do you like it NOW?"With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker inquires, "W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Vikings f-f-finally w-w-win the Super Bowl?"
My father, who was from Minneapolis, told this joke very well. It was probably one of his favorites. Three bulls, two older ones and one young one overheard the farmer talking about buying a new bull. The first older bull said, "That new bull isn't going to get any of my cows. I have 26 now and they're all mine!" The second old bull said, "I have 23 cows and he's sure as hell not goinig to get any of them!" The young bull added, "I only have 3 cows of my own and I won't share them with anyone!" The next day a stake bed truck arrived at the farm carrying a gigantic Brahma bull. As he jumped down from the truck sunlight glinted off the tips of his four foot wide, upward curved horns. He had a huge hump that laid over to the side due to its great mass and he was equally well endowed in every other way. When he snorted, dust rose in a cloud around him. The first old bull said, "He looks like a fairly nice guy. I guess he can have a few of my cows." "I agree", said the second old bull. "He seams like a pretty decent fellow. He's welcome to some of my cows, if he'd like." The young bull turned toward the huge Brahma and began to snort and paw the ground. Both old bulls said, "You're not going to fight him, are you?!!" "Hell no." the young bull answered. "I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!!!"
A secretary, a paralegal, and a partner in a big law firmare walking through a park on their way to lunch when theyfind an antique oil lamp.They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. TheGenie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one.""Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be inthe Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in theworld." Poof! She's gone."Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be inHawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone."You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partnersays, "I want those two back in the office right afterlunch."
A man is walking down a beach and spies a lamp laying in the sand. He picks it up and when he rubs the dirt off a genie emerges. The genie tells him, "I will grant you two wishes, but I must warn you that I am a fair genie so whatever you wish for, I will give double to your mother-in-law. "The man thinks for a minute and says, "Okay. For my first wish I want to be a millionair."Poof - he has one million and his mother-in-law has two million dollars. The man says, "Now for my second wish I want you to beat me half to death."