Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 5, 1999
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?Great food, but ... no atmosphere.
Why is a viola bigger than a violin? It's not. The violinist's head is just bigger. How can you tell when a violin is playing out of tune? The bow is moving. What's the difference between the first and last stand in the viola section? About half a measure. What's the definition of a half step? The viola section all playing thier open C strings together.
A COUPLE OF JOKES A minister was walking along the street one day when he saw a young boy in front of a house, desperately trying to reach the doorbell. The minister walked over to the boy, and pushed the doorbell for him. "Now what do we do, little man?" asked the minister. " Run like heck!" A beauracrat was walking out in the coutryside one day when he saw a shepherd and his flocks of sheep. He approached the shepherd and said "If I can guess how many sheep you have, will you let me have one?" The shepherd thinks this is a pretty safe bargain, so he agrees. "You have 457 sheep." the beauracrat answers confidently. Amazed, the shepherd watches as the beauracrat picks up his prize." Hey wait a minute mister. If I can guess what you do for a living, will you let me have my posession back?" The beauracrat agrees, and is shocked when the shepherd tells him that he's a beauracrat. "How'd you know?!" asked the beauracrat. "Put the sheepdog down and we'll talk about it."
The Pope dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and begins telling him that he was the most holy man who had lived in a long time. "And since you've been so good, we're going to give you the premium package to heaven. You want an audience with God, you've got it. You want to talk to somebody, you've got it. Is there anything else I can do for you?" he asks. "Well," the Pope says, "Do you have a library here? There are some inner issues I want settled, you know, what God really said to people." "Sure," said St. Peter. "It's right over there."So the Pope goes into to the library, and he has a wonderful time. He starts looking through all the books, exclaiming over this and that. A little later there is a horrible racket coming from the library. The angels rush in, and the Pope is throwing books around, breaking chairs and screaming "It had an 'R'! There was an 'R'!" The angels come up to him, and say, "Pope, what's the matter?" He looks over at them and says, "It had an 'R'! It's celeBRATE!"
A friend of mine just bred a rotwieler and poodle. It's not much of a watchdog, but it's a VICIOUS GOSSIP!
Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St.Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question.The question posed is "What is Easter"?The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful...""Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter. He turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question:"What is Easter?"The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her firend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven. He then peers over his glasses at the third blond and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is"?The third blonde smiles confidently and looks StPeter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is.""Oh?" says St Peter, incredulously."Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."St. Peter smiled broadly with delight.The third blonde continued..."Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
Have you heard about the TED KENNEDY virus? It erases all past crashes from your hard drive.
I teach middle school, a wonderful source for silly jokes:
Senator Ted Kennedy approached the President after a recent address to the nation about the Lewinski affair and asked, "Mr. President is there anything I can do for you?The President answered, "Yes, can you give Monica a ride home?"