Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 5, 1999
An elephant and a giraffe come down to the watering hole for a drink. They see a turtle, fast asleep, basking in the sun. The elephant goes over and kicks the turtle, WACK, over to the other shore. "Boy, that was cruel," said the giraffe, "Why did you do that?" The elephant said, "That turtle bit a big chunk out of my trunk fifty years ago." "Fifty years ago! Wow, what a great memory," said the giraffe."Yes," said the elephant, "I have turtle recall."
What's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist in the morning? An optimist wakes up and says, "Ah, good morning, God." A pessist wakes up and says, "Ugh. Good God, morning."
Why does the ocean feel like it's in prison? It is behind bars . . . Sand bars.
Several Cow Jokes (useful to me as a Pediatrician):
It's the only one I can ever remember, because it's simple and elegant... here goes:
Some Boy Scouts from the city were sitting around their campfire. One scout said, "We'd better get to bed before the mosquitos eat us up." Later that night, the boy woke up and looked out of his tent. He saw dozens and dozens of fireflies. Quickly, he woke up his friends and said, "We'd better hide! They're coming after us with flashlights!"
I hope this is not too simple but if I were an atheist, would I be able to believe in ghosts?
Jesus and his disciples were walking into Damascus. As they approached, they saw a crowd of people surrounding a woman who was kneeling down on the ground as if in supplication. Each of the people had a stone and appeared ready to throw on the woman. Jesus saw this and said "Stop. Let the one who has commited no sin be the first to throw the stone." At that point, a little old lady came elbowing her way through the crowd with a huge stone. As she was ready to lob the stone on the woman, Jesus said "AAAWWWW, Mom."