Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 5, 1999
A lady on an airplane strikes up a conversation with the boy sitting next to her and asks where he is going.The child replies, "I'm going to visit my grandparents in San Jose." Being only a child, he pronounced the city just like it sounds: San Joe-say. The lady tells him, "That's nice, but that isn't how you pronounce it. In California, the letter "J" often sounds like an "H". You meant to say 'San Ho-say'."Later in the conversation, she asks the boy how long he will be staying with his grandparents. He thinks for a moment and replies "For Hune, Huly, and August."
Q: What is a cats' favorite breakfast cereal?A: Mice crispies
Ole called the undertaker, "Lena died last night. Can you come over and pick her up?" I sure can, Ole, but I need an address to give to the driver. " "Well," says Ole, "I live on Eucalyptus Street." " Would you spell that for me , Ole", asks the undertaker. There was a long pause. Finally Ole replied, " Say, if I drag Lena over to Oak Street would you pick her up there?"
An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinations on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" "In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly." "This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you." After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked, "Your husband had anunusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!
(joke1)Young George Washington probably did not chop down his father's cherry tree,and probably didn't admit it by saying "I can not tell a lie" but we still use it to show his honesty. One day little Susie asked her mother if only people that didn't tell lies went to heaven she replied,"Their the only ones" "Wow it must be pretty lonely with just God and George Washington!!"
A man walks into a small neighborhood bar, and it looks like there is one bar stool available. Just as he reaches the bar stool and gets ready to sit down, he realizes there is a dog laying on it. He says "excuse me" to the man next to the dog, apparently the dog's owner, but the man says "Go ahead, have a seat! Just pick up my dog and put him on the floor."So the first man picks up the dog, and is startled to realize the dog has no legs. He puts the dog back, but the owner says "No, go ahead, put him on the floor! Have a seat!"The first man sits down (he is still feeling a little awkward) and to start a conversation says "So, what's your dog's name?" "Name? Oh! That dog doesn't have a name. Doesn't needs a name. . .after all, he can't come when you call him."
A man was about to make his first parachute jump, he nervously asked his instructor what he should do if his parachute did not open. His instructor assured him that he had a backup parachute incase his parachute failed. The moment of truth came and out of the plane went the man. He pulled his parachute cord and it failed to open. In a panic, he pulled his second parachute cord. It also failed. As he fell downward, suddenly a man passed him going upward. The parachutist shouted out to him, "Do you know anything about parachutes?" The man yelled back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
A man is fishing. A frog comes up to him and says,"Mister I'm an enchanted frog, if you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess and we can live togather happily after. The man puts the frog into his pocket and starts for home. The frog says mister didn't you hear me? I said I'm an enchanted frog if you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess and we can live together happily ever after. "I heard you" The man says. "I'm 90 years old. At my age I'd rather have a talking frog.