Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 5, 1999
Did you hear about the old man that took Viagra along with his daily iron suppliment pills? Now every time a pretty young thing walks by he points North!
How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, the market will do it.
Three blondes die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gate and says, " Before you enter the kingdom of heaven, you most prove you possess a small amount of intelligence." He goes to the first blonde and asks, "Can you tell me about Easter?'. She replies," Sure, That's the holiday that comes in the autumn and is celebrated with a big feast and everyone giving thanks for their blessings for the whole year." St. Peter shakes his head and moves on to the second. " Can you tell me about Easter?". She replies, "Yes, That's the holiday that falls in the winter where everyone celebrates the birth of the baby Jesus by the giving of gifts to one another ". Again, St. Peter shakes his head sadly as he moves on to the third blonde. " Can you tell me about Easter?". " Absolutely... That holiday comes in the Spring and celebrates Jesus' death on the cross. Then they put him in a cave, and rolled a big rock in front of it to seal it. On the third day, the rock was rolled away, and Jesus came out, and saw his shadow, and then there was six more weeks of winter!!".
" Is the state of Minnesota prepared for the Y2K milleniumbug?" - Absolutely, Jesse's bought flyswatters and repellent for every single state agency!"
A man is driving down a small country road when a chicken suddenly darts in front of him. After regaining his composure, he notices the chicken is running directly in front of the car. On closer examination he sees it has a third leg. The man speeds up a little, and the chicken runs faster. He speeds up a little more, as does the chicken. Pretty soon he is doing fifty miles an hour with the chicken out in front. The chicken turns down a lane toward a farm, with the man in pursuit. As the man comes to a stop and gets out of his car, a farmer approaches. The man looks around and sees the barnyard is full of three-legged chickens. The man asks of the farmer, " What's the deal with the three-legged chickens "? The farmer replies, " We bred 'em special that way 'cause everybody is always fighting for an extra drumstick " . The man then asks, " So, how do they taste ? " The farmer replies, " Nobody knows, We haven't been able to catch one" !
[attributed to Woody Allen]
Blonde Joke A very fair haired woman was bording her flight to Miami Fl. She entered the door way and sat in one of the first class seats. The flight attendent, seeing that she had a coach ticket, kindly asked her to move to her seat in coach. She refused, saying I am beautiful, blond and I am going to Miami. The attendent continued to suggest that she move to her seat in coach but had no success. The flight was now being delayed due to her insistance. The Captain over heard the difficulty and asked the attentent if she needed help. She said you bet. I have tried everything to get this gal to move and she just won't. The captain steped over to the blonde and spoke a few words with her. She quickly smiled, stood up and walked back to her seat in coach. The attendent was amazed and ask the captain how he managed to get her to move. He said, It was easy, I told her this seat wasn't going to Miami.
Three Iowans died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first Iowan, "What is Easter?" He replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful and stuff...""Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second Iowan the same question, "What is Easter?" The second guy replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and drink eggnog." St. Peter looks at the second Iowan, shakes his head in disgust, tells him he's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third Iowan and asks, "What is Easter?" The third guy smiles confidently, looks St. Peter right in the eye and says, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper. Then the Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. Then the third Iowan continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."