Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 5, 1999
George lived a very good life. As he entered heaven, the gatekeeper (call him "Pete") says "We've been waiting for you! If there's anybody here you want to meet, I'll take you right to them."George says "I'd really like to meet the Blessed Virgin, if I may"Pete says "no problem! Take you right to her!"When George meets Mary, she says "I was hoping you'd come! Anything you want, just ask."George says "I've always wondered why you look so sad in all those pictures I've seen of you."Mary says "That's easy! I wanted a girl."
Cupid was visiting the earth around Valentine's Day, but he wasn't being very successful. Everyone seemed to be holding hands there in the park and there were no targets for his arrows. So, he noticed a marble statue of two figures - a man and woman, scantily clad. Just for fun, he brought them to life and said, "You have a half-hour to be alive and do whatever you please. So, the two went over into the bushes. After a while, the bushes moved and the birds flew out. The couple returned, and Cupid said " Oh, you don't have to come back yet; you still have 10 minutes." The man turned to the woman and said " OK, this time I'll hold the bird and you poop on its head."
There is a red head, a blonde, and a brunette in the sixth grade. Who has the largest chest? The blonde - she's eighteen
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
A Norweigen Bachlor Farmer is walking down the street in St.Paul when he notices a strange looking bottle sticking outta the snow. He picks it up and a genie pops out and says: I'm only gonna grant ya one wish 'cause it's only two more days 'til I retire. The Norweigen guy says (with a Minnesotan accent of course): I'd like you to build a bridge from here to Norway so I can drive to the house of my family whenever I want. The genie says: Are you outta your mind man?! You're asking me to do the impossible. Make a different wish. The Norweigen thinks for a few minutes and says: Okay, I'd like you to increse the average intelligence of everyone who lives in Minnesota. The genie thinks for a few minutes and says: You want that bridge two lanes, or four?