Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 5, 1999
A long time ago, a man named Tate invented a compass which was the best compass there ever had been. For years every sailor, navigator and traveler had Tate's Compasses. Then, for some unexplainable reason, all Tate's compasses failed to give a true reading. Thus the saying, "He who has a Tate's is lost."
A man walking his dog late one night noticed a body lying on the sidewalk. Grateful he'd remembered to bring his cellular phone, he frantically dialed 911. When the 911 operator answered, he yelled, "A Body! There's a body lying on the sidewalk!"The 911 operator said, "Calm down sir! What street are you on?"The man replied, "Sycamore!"Making sure she'd heard correctly, the operator asked him to please spell the street name."S-i-c-k, no, S-i-k-, oh hell! Lemme drag him over to Elm and I'll call yo
There was a boy and one day he was going to shoot his bee-bee gun. He put some bee-bees in the pocket of his shirt and went outside. Later his mom called him in to stir the beans for supper. He started stirring the beans and some of the bee-bees fell from his pocket into the beans. He thought, "Oh, no! My mom's going to kill me." So he quickly stirred the bee-bees in. The next day, a guy came to their house to see how they were. The boy's mom said, "We're fine, but when I bent down to pet the cat, I shot the dog!"
What do you get when an American goes to the bathroom? A European.
How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree? Wave at him.
Why did the widow from Iowa hire Tinker Bell? She needed a Fairy Home Companion!
A guy is driving through the country when he passes a field in which there is a pig with a wooden leg. The guy stops to get a better look at this rather unusual sight.Just then, the farmer walks up. The guy asks him: "Isn't it a bit unususal to have a pig with a wooden leg?""well," says the farmer, "that there is an unusual pig. Just last week I was out in the field and a fire broke out in the henhouse. The pig jumped the fence, alerted me to the fire and helped me put it out. There was very little damage due to his quick thinking. Yesterday the wife and I were in town having lunch when a robber broke into the house. The pig jumped the fence, ran into town, fetched me and the Sheriff and the three of us were able to subdue the culprit. I lost nothing.""That's very interesting," says the guy, "But what does it have to do with his wooden leg?""Ya know, if you have a pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."