Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 5, 1999
Ole and Lena were watching the local weather forecast one winter evening, and the weather man said it was going to snow at least eight inches. He also said that, to facilitiate snow removal, the mayor was directing that people park their cars on the even-numbered side of the street. So Ole went out and moved his car to the even-numbered side of the street.The next night, the weather man said that citizens were to park their cars on the odd-numbered side of the street so that the rest of the snow could be removed. So Ole dutifully moved his car to the odd-numbered side of the street.A few days later, another blizzard was forecast, and the weather man again directed citizens to park their cars on the even-numbered side of the street. Ole sighed, and said he was just too tired to go move the car."Oh, Ole," Lena said. "I have an idea. This time, just close the garage door and maybe they won't see our car."
What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved!
Garrison said you were hurting for jokes, so here's another one:A man runs into the vet's office carrying his bird, screaming for help.The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put the bird on the table. The vet examines the cold limp body and after a few moments, tells the man, "I'm sory but your bird is dead."The man, clearly agitated, and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.The vet gets a cat from the back room, and puts it next to the bird's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to toe of the bird, and finally meows at the vet and jumps down."The cat thinks your bird is dead, too," says the vet.The owner is still unwilling to accept that his bird is dead, so the vet brings in a black lab, who jumps on the examination table, sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, barks, and jumps down."My lab thinks your bird is dead, too," says the vet.The man finally faces the facts, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes."$650.00, says the vet."$650.00 to tell me my bird is dead," exclaims the man?"No, my initial diagnosis would have been $30.00. The additional fees are for the Cat Scan and the lab tests."
How does an insane person go through the forest? They take the psyco path!
What did one melon say to the other melon?Sorry honeydew, we just cantelope!!!HAAAAHAAAHAAAthis makes me laugh everytime I tell it, but no one else!oh and how do we know that owls are smarter than chickens?Have you ever heard of Kentucky Fried Owls??
A mother mouse was huddled in the wall, between the kitchen and the dining room, watching her poor, starving children waste away. Just a few feet away was all the food they needed, but there was a big cat always waiting near the hole in the wall. One day, the mother mouse looked out of the hole and saw that the cat was gone! At last she had her chance to get some food to save her children. She ran across the room, but as she neared the food, the cat returned, growling a warning to her. Not knowing what else to do, the mouse looked at the cat and shouted "Woof, Woof!" The cat instantly turned and jumped out the window. And that just goes to show why everyone needs to know a second language.
What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?Quatro sinko.
Two guys are getting ready to tee off on the 9th hole, in front of the clubhouse. The first golfer is carefully aligning his shot, setting up over and over again. The other guy asks, "What are you doing? Hurry up and shoot already". The first golfer says, "My wife is standing over there by the clubhouse, so I want this to be a perfect shot." The other golfer looks carefully toward the clubhouse, spots the wife, then looks over to the first guy. "You might as well go ahead and shoot", he says, "There's no way you're gonna be able to hit her from here".
A priest, a rabbi, a minister, two nuns and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"