Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 5, 1999
Two eggs, both fried sunny side up, sit on a tree. One is combing it's hair.
What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenberg? One is a Nazi Gas Bag and the other was just a blimp.
Once upon a time, there was a psycotic obsessive-compulsive duck hunter. He was very particular about where everything he owned would go, but he was INSANE when it came to his duck hunting habits. His duck boat was hand painted, and each different colored spot used the exact same amount of paint. There were pockets on the sides of the boat to hold spent casings and fresh shells for his different guns. But he was the most obbsessive over his decoys. He carved them by hand, and would paint them with the smallest brushes available using a magnifying glass to work on the most minute of details.One day he decided to go out hunting. He got out to his favorite duck hunting lake, found a place for his boat, and started to set up his decoys. When he was all finished, he settled into his boat to wait, occasionally giving a call on his duck call. "Quack! Quack! Quack quack quack!" No ducks came. He did this over and over and over again. Still no ducks. He did this until it became almost the time for him to leave. He thought, "I'll call once more, and if no ducks come, I'll leave." He called once more. "Quack! Quack! Quack quack quack!" A single duck flew over the lake, and slowly came down towards the lake. He called down at the other ducks. "Hey! Can I join you guys?" No answer. He repeated this several times until he just lands and paddles up to one of the ducks. He's about to ask him the same question again, but he sees a gun sticking out of the bushes at the edge of the lake. He screams and dives under water, just as there's this huge bang. He surfaces, only to find splinters of wood everywhere. "HA HA HA!" Wouldn't duck!" (Wooden duck.)
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar trap, along with a $40.00 ticket. Being cute, he mailed the Police Department a picture of $40.00.Several days later, the police mailed him another photo - of handcuffs.
How many plumbers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A 60 YEAR OLD WOMAN SEES HER DR. WHO CHECKS HER OVER AND PRONOUNCES" WHY, YOU'VE GOT THE BODY OF A 20 YEAR OLD". THE WOMAN GOES HOME, UNDRESSES AND STANDS IN FRONT OF HER MIRROR ADMIRING HERSELF. HER HUSBAND ASKS WHAT SHE'S DOING AND SHE REPLYS, "MY DR. TOLD ME I HAVE THE BODY OF A TWENTY YEAR OLD". HER HUBAND SAYS " DID HE SAY ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR BIG ASS" AND SHE REPLYS, " NO , HE DIDN'T MENTION YOU AT ALL!"
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He’d rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. As he was surveying his new office, a workman come into the outer office. Trying to look busy, the businessman picked up the phone and began speaking into it importantly, talking about huge sums of money and making huge promises. At last, he hung up. He turned to the visitor and asked, "Yes. Now, how can I help you?" The workman replied, "I’m here to install the phone."
A very pious man recieved the evacuation order as his town was flooding. Yet he refused to leave his house stating that he had faith that God would protect him. As the waters approached his door, an evacuating neighbor came by with his truck and offered to help him load some items and to drive him to safty. "No thanks" he replied, "the Lord will take care of me". Seeing the waters rise, the neighbor left.Soon the waters were rising fast and the pious man was forced to the 2nd floor of his house. An emergency boat came to the house and the driver pleaded with the pious man to come into the boat so he could be taken to safty. "No thanks" he replied, "the Lord will take care of me". After a few more attempts to convince him to jump in, the driver took off.As the flood waters continued to rise the pious man was forced to the roof of his house. A helicopter came by, lowering a rope ladder to the man. The pilot pleaded with the man to climb the ladder so he could be taken to safty. "No thanks" he replied, "the Lord will take care of me". Unable to keep the helicopter steady in the wind and rain, the pilot was forced to abandon the man as the flood waters continued to rise.Soon the pious man was drowned and proceeded directly towards heaven. He was quite angry and demanded to speak to the Lord immediatly. On being received he told the Lord how disappointed he was with his treatment. "All of my life I trusted in you and counted on you to take care of me. How could you let me be drowned like that!"And the Lord replied, "You're disappointed with me! First I sent you a truck, then a boat, and finally a helicopter. What more did you want me to do?!"
The Pope was touring the United States. On one leg of his tour he told his chauffeur he missed being able to drive and would like to drive. Since he had a current drivers license, the chauffeur thought it would be alright. So the chauffeur got in the back seat and the Pope got behind the wheel. However, the Pope has a lead foot and shortly thereafter was pulled over for speeding. The officer asked the Pope for his drivers license. Realizing who he had stopped he asked the Pope to wait and went to his car to call the dispatcher. He told the dispatcher, "I have a problem." The dispatcher replied, "You didn't stop the Mayor again did you?" The Officer said, "No. No. I didn't." Dispatcher said, "Not the Govenor, I hope." Being told it wasn't the Govenor, he said,"then it can't be that bad. Who did you stop?!" The Patrolman replied, "I don't know who it is, but he has the Pope driving for him!!"