Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 5, 1999
A Hindu, Rabbi, and lawyer were traveling together in the country late one night when their car broke down. They asked a farmer if they could spend the night. He said they could, but he only had two spare beds. One of them would have to sleep in the barn.The Hindu said, "That's o.k. I'm a simple man. I can sleep in the barn." They all agreed and bedded down for the night.Two minutes later there was a knock at the door. It was the Hindu. He said, "I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn. It's against my religion to sleep with a cow."The Rabbi said, "That's o.k. I'm a simple man. I can sleep in the barn." They all agreed and bedded down for the night.Two minutes later there was a knock at the door. It was the Rabbi. He said, "I'm sorry, but there is a pig in the barn. It's against my religion to sleep with a pig."The lawyer, becoming flustered, said, "O.k., o.k., I'll sleep in the barn!" They all agreed and bedded down for the night.Two minutes later there was a knock at the door. It was the cow and pig.
Two women, A Montanan and a North Dakotan, were having coffee late one afternoon when tha Montanan looks out the window and says, " Oh Geez, Here comes my husband Jim with a bouquet of flowers. That means I'll be on my back with my feet in the air" The North Dakotan thinks for a minute and says" Well couldn't you just use a vase?"
(1) Yo mamma is so fat that I need a panaramic camera to shoot her picture!
Man walks into a computer store and reluctantl yasks the salesman about how he can get on the Internet. "Everybody says how great this 'nternet thingis, but I don't know if this new-fangled stuffis for me." says the man.Well, the salesman sells the man a computer on a trial basis anyway. The next day the man comes bounding in the store all excited."I love this Internet. It's great!" exclaimed the man."So what changed your mind," asked the salesman.Than man answered, "Well, everyone kept telling meto 'Surf the Web' but they never told me it was anude beach!"
Jesus Christ was in a barroom mingling with the ne'er-do-well andother sinners as he was wont to do to demonstrate the inclusion of everyonein the kingdom of God. He bought one man a drink and the man thanked him. Christ said "Youare welcome, my son" and touched him on the left shoulder. Immediately theman felt a healing warmth and his bursitis of many years disappeared and hehad full range of motion of his shoulder. He was amazed and gratified andsoon the whole barroom was aware of the miracle. Christ bought another man a drink and the man thanked him. Christsaid "You are welcome, my son" and touched him above his left eye which wasblind and covered by a patch. Immediately the man felt a healing warmth andhe lifted the patch and he could see perfectly with that eye. He was amazedand gratified and soon the whole barroom was aware of the miracle. Jesus bought a third man a drink and the man thanked him. Christsaid "You are welcome, my son" and reached to touch him on the chest. Theman backed up and screamed "Don't touch me! I'm on total disability!"
Off the back roads in Texas, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the> delivery of a woman in labor. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the> father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can> see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.> "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the> lantern down, I think there's yet another one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no,don't be in a great hurry to put down that lantern. It seems> there's yet another one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had> delivered another baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to put> down that lantern. It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the Dr. The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Doyou think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?
Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? A: It depends how thin you slice them.
Well, the blondes got together & here's their revenge for the brunettes. What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch? A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes. What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette? Brown-bagging it. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure? No one else wants it. Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners ? So brunettes can remember them. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes? Invisible. What's a brunette's mating call? " Has the blonde left yet? Why is the brunette considered an evil color? When was the last time you saw a blonde witch? What do brunettes miss most about a great party? The invitation What do you call a good looking man with a brunette? A hostage