Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 5, 1999
A bartender thought he was really strong. He challenged his customers to try to sqeeze another drop out of a lemon after he had sqeezed it. For each drop he would pay them $100. No one could do it. One day a short geeky guy comes into the bar and says, "I'd like to try your challenge." After the laughter had died down, the bartender sqeezed a lemon and then handed the shriveled fruit to the little guy. The man to hold of it and sqeezed 6 more drops out! The bartender paid him $600 and aksed the little guy, "What do you do for a living? Are you a weight-lifter, a lumber-jack, or what?" The little guy said, "I work for the IRS."
What do Monica Lawinsky and a bandit have in common? They both say, "Stick 'em up!"
Bumper sticker seen in south Georgia: Your just jealous because the voices are talking to me!
So....there was this garnet yam who fell deeply in love with this jewel yam. They knew it was an instant match and they married shortly there after. Life was good and so they decided to add to their family and 'make' a little one to add to their joy. Shortly thereafter they delighted in the arrival of their very cute, and very precious little sweet potatoe. Life was wonderful.....the little sweet potatoe grew up and eventually went away to college....making her parents very, very proud. One day the little sweet potatoe returned home for a surprise visit."Mom...Dad" she proudly exclaimed, " I have some very exciting news for you! I want you to meet the man I am going to marry!!!"Her parents were brimming with joy...So their little sweet potatoe goes outside to fetch her new mate and comes in and says..."Mom...Dad...Id' like you to meet Walter Cronkite!""Walter Cronkite!!!!" her parents excaimed in utter disbeliefe. "You can't marry him.....he's a common-tater.
While in California for the Academy Awards, Moncia Lawinsky decided to further her educationand and enrolled in UCLA. To help with the weight problem she talked to Barbara Walters about, she deceided to join the swim team.At her first intramural swim meet the coach decided to put her in the breast stroke at the last minute. After finishing last, Monica came up the coach and said, "Ah Coach, I don't want to complaine or anythiniinnggg but some of those girsl cheated . . . They used their arms!"
The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there'sa long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists havenothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, somebassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for aquick one.After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists areprone to do), one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!""No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need someextra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score togetherwith string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took theirplaces in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticedthe conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion."Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom ofthe Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
The movie producer was planning his next blockbuster- an action docudramaabout famous composers. So he set up a meeting with Sylvester Stallone,Jean-Claude Van Damme and Arnold Schwarzenegger and offered them the chanceto select which famous musicians theyíd portray."Iíve always admired Mozart," Stallone said. "Iíd love to play him.""Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme. "Thatís the part forme."The producer turned to Schwarzenegger. "And you, Arnold? Who do you want tobe?"There was a long silence, then he replied, "Iíll be Bach."