Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 5, 1999
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew werein danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic,the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The FirstMate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put onand lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although somecasualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. The mensat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensignlooked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirtbefore the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only acaptain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt doesnot show the blood, and thus you men will continue to fight unafraid." Themen sat in silence, marveling at the courage of such a man. The nextmorning, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sendingboarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever,bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" Once again, the battle was on, and theCaptain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time morecasualties occurred.Later that day, however, the lookout screamed that there were pirateships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men becamesilent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
A lawer just bought a brand new Mercedes and parked it in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out of the car, a truck came along too close to the curb and tore the driver's door clean off the Mercedes. Frantic, the lawer pulls out his cell phone and dials 9-1-1. A couple minutes later a police car pulls up and a cop gets out. He walks overto the lawer, but before he can ask any questions, the lawer starts screaming hysterically about his brand new Mercedes. The cop just shakes his head in discust. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawers are," he says. "You're so worried about your car that you don't even realize that your left arm is missing. It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "Oh my god!" screams the lawer. "My Rolex!"
Three politicians went to Oz to make their requests. The first, Newt Gingrich, asked how to find the wizard because he needed a heart. Then Al Gore asked where he could find the wizard so he could get a brain. When Bill Clinton's turn came he asked, "Where's Dorothy?"
How many women does it take to CHARGE a light bulb?
The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance.A cat shows up.St Peter says "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted."Cat: "Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it."St Peter: "That's easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in."Next a group of mice appear.St Peter: "Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth. You didn't steal food from anyone's house and never hurt other animals.Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted."The Chief Mouse replied, "Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?" St Peter: "Granted. You shall have your wish."Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees the cat."Well, Cat...Did you enjoy the satin pillow?"Cat: "Oh, indeed I did. And say...that "Meals on Wheels" thing was a nice touch, too!"
Why does Chuckie think his teeth are worth two dollars? Because Angelica told him he had two buck teeth!