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A Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999
April 6, 1999


Question: Why was only wine and cheese served at the last supper?Answer: What do you expect at a potluck where only guys are invited?

Jeff Carlton, Carson City, NV


Someone gets an interview for a job; the employer looks over the person's resume and tells the prospective employee it looks good, but before a hiring decision is made, this question must be answered: "If you could talk to anyone -living or dead- who would you talk to?" The guy thinks about it for a little while and then answers, "I'd talk to the living one".

Tony Maresco, Cold Spring, NY


A man and his wife were scuba diving in Alaska and he lost track of her. He searched for an hour and then called in the Coast Guard. They searched until dark, then told the man to go home, and that they'd take up the search again the next day. Later the next day they came to his door. "We have some good news and some bad news," they told the man. "The bad news is we found your wife, and she's deceased. The good news is, she was covered in king crab, and we're pulling her again tomorrow."

Maura Odell, Ketchikan, AK


A panda walks into a restruant, gets a table, orders his food, shoots the waiter, and leaves. On his way out the door, the manager stops him and says "wait a minute, you just shot my waiter and you didn't even pay. What's the deal?" The panda says "go look it up in the dictionary." So the manager looks it up and it says "Pandas: eats shoots and leaves."duck food?"

Gabriel Demuth, Age: 11


Two for the science crowd...
#1: Two atoms walk into a bar. They sit down, order beers, and start talking. One atom says, "Uh-oh.""What's wrong?" asks the second atom.The first atom says, "I think I lost an electron." The second atom says, "That's terrible! Are you sure?" "Yes," replys the first atom. "I'm positive!"

#2A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. He drinks it and gets up to leave. He asks the bartender, "How much to I owe you?" The bartender looks at the neutron and says, "For you? No charge."

Mike Richards,Age: 17


q: how do you tell an introverted mathematician from an extroverted one?a: an extroverted mathematician will look at _your_ shoes while talking to you.

A biologist, an engineer, and a mathematician were sitting outside an empty house. They saw two people go in, and a while later, three people came out. The engineer said "Our initial count must have been wrong." The biologist said "They must have reproduced." The mathematician said "Now, if one person goes back into the house, it will be completely empty!"

In a certain house of ill repute, there were three floors; on the first floor were the former secretaries, on the second floor were the former telephone operators, and on the third floor were the former schoolteachers. A new visitor inquired of a regular customer as to why all of the men seemed to be headed to the third floor. This was his reply: "The secretaries are always saying, 'It's time for a coffee break.' The telephone operators always say, 'Your three minutes are up... your three minutes are up!' But the teachers-- they say, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over, until we get it right!'"

Ann Joseph, Alma, MI


Three construction workers are working on the 20th floor of a new sky scaper downtown. It is lunch time and they all sit down together to eat lunch and enjoy the view. The first worker, who happens to be Mexican, opens his lunch to find tacos and says, "Tacos, tacos. I get tacos in my lunch everyday. If I get one more taco for lunch, I am going to jump off the edge of this building." The second worker, who happens to be Chinese, opens his lunch to find egg rolls and says, "Egg rolls again! I get egg rolls every day. I am so tired of egg rolls. If I get one more egg roll, I am going to jump off the edge of this building too." And the third worker, who is Norweigan, opens his lunch and says, "Peanut butter and jelly again today. That is all I ever get...peanut butter and jelly. If I get one more peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, I too will jump off the edge of this building."So the next day, Pedro opens his lunch and finds more tacos. He gets up, goes over to the edge of the building an plunges to his death. Chang opens his lunch up and finds egg rolls and like Pedro, he too goes over to the edge and jumps off the edge. Sven opens his lunch to find a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, so he too jumps off the 20th floor of the building.A week later, the construction company holds a memorial service for the three workers. Their wives are sitting together. Pedro's wife says, "He never complained to me about tacos. I thought he loved tacos." And Chang's wife says, "My husband never complained to me about the egg rolls either. He loved egg rolls!" And the Norweigan's wife says, "Well, Sven packed his own lunch for 20 years!"

Todd Erickson, Gig Harbor, WA


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