Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 6, 1999
Question: Why was only wine and cheese served at the last supper?Answer: What do you expect at a potluck where only guys are invited?
Someone gets an interview for a job; the employer looks over the person's resume and tells the prospective employee it looks good, but before a hiring decision is made, this question must be answered: "If you could talk to anyone -living or dead- who would you talk to?" The guy thinks about it for a little while and then answers, "I'd talk to the living one".
A man and his wife were scuba diving in Alaska and he lost track of her. He searched for an hour and then called in the Coast Guard. They searched until dark, then told the man to go home, and that they'd take up the search again the next day. Later the next day they came to his door. "We have some good news and some bad news," they told the man. "The bad news is we found your wife, and she's deceased. The good news is, she was covered in king crab, and we're pulling her again tomorrow."
A panda walks into a restruant, gets a table, orders his food, shoots the waiter, and leaves. On his way out the door, the manager stops him and says "wait a minute, you just shot my waiter and you didn't even pay. What's the deal?" The panda says "go look it up in the dictionary." So the manager looks it up and it says "Pandas: eats shoots and leaves."duck food?"
Two for the science crowd...
q: how do you tell an introverted mathematician from an extroverted one?a: an extroverted mathematician will look at _your_ shoes while talking to you.
Three construction workers are working on the 20th floor of a new sky scaper downtown. It is lunch time and they all sit down together to eat lunch and enjoy the view. The first worker, who happens to be Mexican, opens his lunch to find tacos and says, "Tacos, tacos. I get tacos in my lunch everyday. If I get one more taco for lunch, I am going to jump off the edge of this building." The second worker, who happens to be Chinese, opens his lunch to find egg rolls and says, "Egg rolls again! I get egg rolls every day. I am so tired of egg rolls. If I get one more egg roll, I am going to jump off the edge of this building too." And the third worker, who is Norweigan, opens his lunch and says, "Peanut butter and jelly again today. That is all I ever get...peanut butter and jelly. If I get one more peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, I too will jump off the edge of this building."So the next day, Pedro opens his lunch and finds more tacos. He gets up, goes over to the edge of the building an plunges to his death. Chang opens his lunch up and finds egg rolls and like Pedro, he too goes over to the edge and jumps off the edge. Sven opens his lunch to find a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, so he too jumps off the 20th floor of the building.A week later, the construction company holds a memorial service for the three workers. Their wives are sitting together. Pedro's wife says, "He never complained to me about tacos. I thought he loved tacos." And Chang's wife says, "My husband never complained to me about the egg rolls either. He loved egg rolls!" And the Norweigan's wife says, "Well, Sven packed his own lunch for 20 years!"