Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 6, 1999
An upset older gentleman calls is doctor. "Doctor Smith," it's Harold Renquist." "How can I help you today, Harold?" "It's my wife, doctor, my wife of 42 years, Ethel. I think she's dead.""What do you mean you "think" she's dead?" asked the doctor."Well," said Harold, "the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up."
Fellow walks up to a blind man.Hands him a piece of motzah [unleavened bread eaten during the celebration of Passover]. Blind man says, "Who wrote this nonsense?"
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning."
Three men are applying for admission to heaven and are questioned by St. Peter. "What was your profession?" he asks the first. The man replies, "I was a doctor," and St. Peter passes him through. The second man discloses that he was a lawyer and is told he will be admitted on a trial basis. The third man says that he was an HMO director, so St. Peter says, "You may also enter--but only for three days.
A lawyer was walking down the street and saw an auto accident. He rushed over, started handing out business cards, and said, "I saw the whole thing. I'll take either side."
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
A grasshopper goes into a bar and hops on to a barstool to order a drink. The bartender says "You know, we have a drink named after you? The grasshopper replies, "Really! You have a drink named Eddie?"
After some years of medical practice, a gynecologist decided it is time for a career change, and so enrolled in a course on auto mechanics. The final exam, which was worth 200 points, consisted of disassembling and reassembling an engine. The doctor passed the test with a score of 300. Puzzled by this, the doctor asked the instructor for an explanation. The instructor said, "Well, you're quite an outstanding student. I gave you 100 points for correctly disassembling the engine and 100 points for corretly reassembling it, and I gave you an extra 100 points for doing it all through the exhaust pipe."
Maude and Ethel were sitting in the rocking chairs in the porch at the retirement home. Ethel stops rocking and leans over and asks: "Maudie, did you and Harry ever have mutual orgasm?" Maude thinks for a while and then answers, "No, I think we had Prudential".