Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 6, 1999
What do you get when you cross a cantelope with a border collie? Melancoly babies.
Your mama is so fat, she has krill stuck between her teeth.
Two elderly men were talking about the problems of aging. Jim: "My memory is so bad these days!"Bob: "You should do what I did. Take a memory course! I took one with this doctor downtown and it really helped. I learned to use word associations to help me remember and now my memory is much better."Jim: "I'd like that. What's the name of the doctor?"Bob: "Now let's see...I have to remember. I had a good way to remember his name. Oh yeah! What do you call the flower that has thorns all over the stem?"Jim: "A rose?"Bob: That's it, a rose! Hey Rose, what is the name of that memory doctor?"
An ugly frog jumped into the lap of a beautiful princess. He said, "Beautiful princess, a wicked witch turned me from a handsom prince into this ugly frog. If you will kiss me I will again become a handsome prince. We can get married, live in my mother's castle, you can have my children, wash my clothes, and fix my meals.That evening as the beautiful princess dined on sumptuous sauted frog legs, she pondered and said, "I don't think so."
Many people know a great deal about Ghandi, for instance, since he often fasted for weeks at a time, he was usually quite frail in stature. Here are some other little known facts:He often went bare-foot resulting in thick callouses on his feet.Another side-effect of the fasting was bad breath. It's a wonder that he isn't more often called "TheSUPER CALLOUSED, FRAGILE MYSTIC PLAGUED WITH HALLITOSIS"!
(sadly, I am not the creator of this; hope that's ok!):Three Engineers and three MBAs are traveling by train to a conference.At the station, the three MBAs each buy tickets and watch as the threeEngineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an MBA."Watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer. They all board the train. The MBAs take their respective seats but allthree Engineers cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes aroundcollecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opensjust a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductortakes it and moves on. The MBAs see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after theconference, the MBAs decide to copy the Engineers on the return trip andsave some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get tothe station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To theirastonishment, the Engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed MBA."Watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer. When they board the train the three MBAs cram into a bathroom and thethree Engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Engineers leaves his bathroom and walks overto the bathroom where the MBAs are hiding. He knocks on the door and says,"Ticket, please."
Three old men were sitting around one morning bemoaning the effects of aging. The first one who was 60 said "I hate getting old, because every morning I have trouble going number one."The second who was 70 said "You think that is bad, every morning I have trouble going number two."They then asked the 80 year old what his problem was. "Do you have trouble going number one?" "No" he replied, "every morning at 7:00am I'm right on time." Well then asked the 70 year old, "Do you have trouble going number two?" "No" the 80 year old replied. "I'm as regular as clock work, 7:00am every morning."Things sound great, the younger men said. What do you have to complain about? "I get up at 8:00am."
Translated from a Latin scroll dated 2 BC: Dear Cassius, Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at the last minute.I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and, as usual, charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yetanother fortune out of this, I suppose.The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. It's an ill wind...As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over.I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life.Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem. I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops.If you have any ideas please let me know.Plutonius