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A Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999
April 6, 1999


Dog Haiku I love my master; Thus I perfume myself with This long-rotten squirrel.

Today I sniffed Many dog behinds-I celebrate By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm! Paper boy-come to kill us all- Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

The cat is not all Bad-she fills the litter box With Tootsie Rolls

I am your best friend, Now, always, and especially When you are eating.

My owners' mood is Romantic-I lie near their Feet. I fart a big one.

Jim Price, Raleigh, NC


Once there was a woman who was in dire financial straits. She and her husband had been laid off, unemployment money had run out, and their savings were used up.But this woman had tremendous faith. Every day as she and her husband looked for work and tried to make ends meet, she prayed and prayed."Please, Lord," she prayed. "Please, we are so poor. The children are starving. We have no place to go. Please, let us win the lottery."Things went from bad to worse, but she never lost her faith. "Please, Lord, please let us win the lottery. We could pay off our bills, feed our children, and make a new start if only you could let us win the lottery."She was wearing out her knees with her prayers. "Please, Lord," she prayed. "Please let us win the lottery."Then, one day, while she prayed, there was a tremendous clap of thunder. The heavens opened, and the voice of the Almighty was heard from on high."Barbara," said the Lord. "Meet me halfway. Buy a ticket!"

Susan Deborah Smith, Los Angeles, CA


A lady walks into a pawn shop and couldn't help but notice a beautiful parrot for sale. After inquiring about the bird she finds out that it came from a brothel and has quite a extensive and colorful vocabulary. Considering the inexpensive price tag, she still decides to buy it for her husband who has always wanted a talking bird.At home she covers the bird cage to surprise her husband when he gets home from work. The husband arrives home during his wive's bridge game with several of her lady friends from church. Too excited to wait until the game is over, his wife decides to unvail the bird and show her husband what she bought for him. Waking up, the bird looks around and squawks, "rhaaaw, new house!", "rhaaaw, new girls!", "rhaaaw, same old George!!!"

Rob Shamel, Waxahachie, TX


A biology professor was testing his class to see if his class had studied their lessions. He asked Mary to stand up, and tell the class "what part of the human anotomy expands to 5 times its normal size under the proper conditions of stimulation".Mary was very embarassed, turned bright red, he'ed and haw'd, and was finally asked to sit down. The professor then asked James to stand up and answer the same question, "what part of the human anotomy expands to five times its normal size under the proper conditions of stimulation". James responded "the human pupil expands to five times its normal size under conditions of extreme darkness"The professor said "correct", asked James to sit, and Mary to stand up. He then said to Mary, "Mary, I have 3 things to say to you Mary. First you haven't done your studying. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, you're in for a life of bitter disappointment."

Ray Rau, Alpharetta, GA


Riddle: What is the difference between the Queen of England and the Govenor of Minnesota?
Answer: The Queen has an Heir Apparent. The Govenor has no hair apparent.

Jim Chalker, Birmingham, AL


Old Mac Donald had dislexia,
O-E-O-E-I...

Jeffrey Cox, Mesa, AZ


The Volkswagen corporation will have a sneak preview of their much anticipated new model - the Y2K bug.

Gerhardt Meurer, Cockeysville , MD


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