Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 6, 1999
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A little boy about 4 years old, was visiting Grandma and Grandpa and accompanied them to church one Sunday. The 4 year old toddled off to the children's Sunday School class. The teacher, having a visitor in her class, tried to match the boy with the apporpriate family and so asked him his name. The boy responded "Wesley". But this didn't give the teacher the information she wanted, so she persisted. "Do you have another name?", she asked. Our son thought for a moment before answering "Well sometimes they call me Butt-head". The Sunday School Teacher decided not to try match the boy to a family, for fear of discovering other, less lighted-hearted, family secrets.
Q. what's white and smells like bananas? A. Monkey vomit.
A man was so proud of his fancy new Cadillac that he invited a priest, a minister, and a rabbi to come andbless it. The priest approached the auto, sprinkledholy water over it and chanted in Latin. The ministerinvoked the name of the Almighty and led them all in silent prayer. The rabbi sang a psalm and cut offthe end of the tail pipe.
What do you call 13 Witches in a hot tub?A self-cleaning Coven.
A man was on a flight from New York to Los Angeleswhen from his seat by the window, he saw part ofthe wing burst into flame. The pilot's voice cameover the loud speaker: "Ladies and gentleman, we have lost one engine. However, there is no reasonto panic. We have three other engines and plenty of fuel to get to Los Angeles, where we will arriveone hour late. Everybody relaxed, but later, theman looked out his window and noticed another flashof fire. Again, the pilot's voice came over theloud speaker: "Ladies and gentlemen, I am sorryto report that our plane has lost another engine.However, there is no reason to panic. We havetwo engines remaining and plenty of fuel to get to ourdestination. Unfortunately, we will arrive in LosAngeles two hours late." After this announcement,everybody relaxes, including the man, who takes anap. But when he wakens and looks out the window,he sees what looks to be the tail fins bursting intoflame. Simultaneously, he hears the voice of thepilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, we have lost anotherengine but we have one perfectly good engine to get us to our destination. Unfortunately, we will bethree hours late." The man leans toward the person nextto him and says, "I hope we don't lose the fourth engine,or we'll be up here all day!"
One fall day a man (not a bagpipe player!) is out raking the leaves in his yard. He notices a funeral procession going by. There was a hearse, followed by another hearse, followed by a man walking slowly with his dog, followed by about 200 men walking in single file. With respect, he removes his cap and approaches the man with the dog and asks, "Who is in the hearse?" The man answers, "My wife. My dog bit her and she died." "Oh I'm so sorry to hear that" said the curious leaf raker. "Who is in the 2nd hearse?" The man answers, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she also died." "Wow," said the inquisitive man. "Can I borrow your dog?" The gentleman replied: "Get in line!"