Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 6, 1999
Harry runs into his buddy Lew in a Manhattan restaurant and says, "Lew! Just the guy I want to see! I got a bargain for you you wouldn't believe! A circus went out of business, and I bought up all the stock! Lew, I can sell you a baby elephant for only eight hundred bucks!"Lew says, "What, are you crazy? I live in a two-room third-floor walkup! I'm gonna buy an elephant? Get out of town!"Harry says, "But, Lew, this is a pedigreed Indian elephant. Very smart, very tame, very loyal. You'd love him the minute you saw him!""Harry," Lew says, "listen to me: I live in a third-floor walkup! I got no room for an elephant! I couldn't KEEP an elephant! I dont WANT an elephant!"Harry thinks for a minute. "You're driving a hard bargain here, Lew, but I tell you what: Eight hundred bucks for the elephant, and I'll throw in a hippo for free."And Lew says, "Now you're talkin'."
A family of moles lived together underground. Early one spring morning Papa mole decided to check out the sounds and smells of the new season. He traveled along his burrow until he could stick his head out and survey the area. He quickly called to Mama mole to come join him, it was such a beautiful morning. Papa mole said, "It is such a beautiful spring morning. I hear the birds singing and I smell ... bacon... yes someone is frying bacon! It smells so good." Mama mole said, "It is indeed a beautiful morning and ... why, yes ... I think I smell someone cooking pancakes. Yes, delicious buckwheat pancakes! Come quick, Baby mole, you must experience these delectable sounds and smells!" Baby mole raced along the burrow until he reached the end where Papa and Mama mole stood, completely filling the entrance to the burrow. Try as he did, Baby mole struggled to get to the top of the burrow but could not squeeze past his parents. Mama said, "" Do you smell those delicious smells of breakfast, Baby mole? Doesn't it make you hungry and happy that spring is here?" Baby mole replied, somewhat disgruntled, his voice a bit muffled as he tried to squeeze past his parents again. "I wouldn't know. All I can smell is molassess!"
Did you hear about the priest, doctor, and health insurance executive who went to heaven? At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked the priest, "What makes you think you deserve to go to heaven?"The priest answered, "Well, I ran the parish with a loving heart, heard confessions, comforted the sick and dying, gave communion, and performed the rites of sacrament."St. Peter answered, "Great, go on in." Then he asked the doctor, "What did you do that qualifies you for heaven?"The doctor said, "I helped people at all hours, healed the sick, brought babies into the world, helped ease pain and suffering with compassion and intellegence.""Fantastic. Go on in," said St. Peter. He then asked the health insurance executive, "What qualifies you to go to heaven?"The executive answered, "Well, I maintained a multi-state insurance company, reduced costs, provided health insurance for millions."St. Peter said, "Okay, you can go in.""I can?" asked the exec."Sure," said St. Peter. "For three days."
Yo mamma's so dumb she stared at the orange juice container becuse it said "concentrate".
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head indisgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde. He asks, "What is Easter?"The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with theJewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and hewas stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
Subject: Doctors' Conference
A man runs into the vet's office carying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him into an examination room and has him put the dog on the exam table. The vet examines the still, limp body. After a few moments he tells the man that, regreattably, his dog is dead.The man, highly agitated refuses to accept the diagnosis. He tells the vet he wants a second opinion.The vet goes into a back room and emerges with a Labrador Retriever. The animal sniffs the body, walking from head to tail. He then looks up at the vet and barks. The vet turns to the man and says "I'm sorry, he thinks your dog is dead too."But the man still refuses to accept the news, and demands another opinion. The vet goes into the back of his clinic and emerges with a large calicl cat, which he sets next to the body of the deceased dog. The cat sniffs the body, walks all around it, poking and scratching at it, then looks up at the vet and meows loudly. "I'm sorry, but she thinks your dog is dead too."The man finally is resigned to the death of his dog. As he gathers the animal up, he asks the vet "What do I owe you?" The vet answers "$500.00"The man becomes livid. "$500.00 to tell me my dog is dead. That's ridiculous.""Well," replies the vet, "if you'd taken my word for it I would have billed you $50.00. But you have to add $150.00 for the Lab tests run , and another $300.00 for the cat scan."
What do you get when you cross a Jehova's witness with a Athiest? Some one who knocks on your door but doesnt have anything to say.