A Prairie Home Companion Online Activities Archive

A Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999
April 6, 1999

Two cannibals were eating a clown for lunch, and one cannibal said to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Tom Mullin, Sioux City, IA

There was a blonde who was really tired of the "blonde jokes" so she decided to prove everybody wrong. She studied for weeks, maybe even months, to learn the capitols of all the states. When she was done, she walked up to a friend and said "Go ahead. Ask me. Ask me the capitol of any state." To which her friend said "OK, what's the capitol of Minnesota?" The blonde smiled and replied, "M"

Todd Hammond, St. Louis, MO

A man's dog is hit by a car, so he rushes it to the vet's office. The vet says "I'm sorry, but your dog is dead." "Impossible!" says the man, "I want a second opinion!" The vet says "I have a cat in the back room, let's ask him", and they do, but the cat has the same bad news: "That is one dead dog!" The man, still in denial, asks the vet for yet another opinion, and the vet says "There's a Labrador Retriever in the back room, lets see what he thinks." They trot out the Lab, who says "That is the deadest dog I've ever seen!" The man, who has come to accept the fact that his dog is dead, asks to settle his bill, and the vet says "That will be $500.00 please" "WHAT!?" says the man. The vet paitiently explains "$100.00 for my sevices, plus $200.00 for the cat scan, and another $200.00 for the Lab tests!"

Debbie Fellows, Gardiner, MT

A duck walked into a bar and asked the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender replied, "No," and said, "We don't serve ducks here. Get out!"The next day, the duck walked into the bar and asked the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender angrily yelled, "No -- and yesterday, I told you we don't serve ducks here. If you ever come in here again, I'll nail your duckbill to the bar!"The next day, the duck walked back into the bar and asked the bartender, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender yelled back, "NO!" The duck then asked the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?"

Tom Mulin, Sioux City, IA

This is a German Joke from Hamburg.
A young woman still living at home has her first date with a college student, a drama major. Her mother is worried. On the one hand she knows she cannot stop her daughter on the other she wants to protect her from the dangers associated with adulthood. The daughter's nameis Erna.
MOTHER: Now be careful Erna, you know what loose folk those theater people are. First you'll being going with him to a party, next he will ask you to share his drink, ... and then (sigh) he will want to show you his etchings and invite you to his room, ... and then ... oh dear ... he will attack you and you will loose your honor.

DAUGHTER: Yeah, yeah, I'll be careful. Off she goes with her date. ... She doesn't come home till 6 AM the next morning, but she is in a very good mood. Her mother is petrified.
DAUGHTER: It was exactly like you said, only completely different.
MOTHER: Well!!?
DAUGHTER: We went to the party, and just like you said, he offered me something to drink. Then he said he had some very nice etchings he wanted to show me, and I said that I wanted to see them too. And then just like you said, he invited me to his appartment, and then ...
MOTHER: (very alarmed) and then?!!
DAUGHTER: and then it turned out very different. Then I attacked him and he lost his honor.

Till Dohse, Asheville, NC

A man is feeling poorly so he goes to his Doctor. After numerous tests the doc says "I'm sorry but you have an incurable condition and there is nothing more I can do for you." The man pleads with the Doctor to suggest anything he might do to improve his condition and the Dr. then suggests that he go to the spa and take a daily mud bath. "Is there any hope of a cure?" the man asks. "No" says the Doctor, "but it will help you get used to dirt."

Denman Glanzman, San Jose, Ca

This is a German Joke from Cologne.(The characters in this joke are very much like Ollie and Lena, except their names are Tuennis and Schael. I will take the liberty of replacing the traditional names.) Ollie is leaning over the railing of bridge. Lena comesby.
LENA: Now Ollie what are you doing, I thought you had acold?OLLIE: (with an obvious stuffed nose) I have a terriblecold my nose is all stuffed up.
LENA: Then what are you doing here. Looking at the water?OLLIE: I am fishing.
LENA: (confused since there is no rod or line.) Fishing?
OLLIE: Yes. My nose is running so bad that the snot drips all the way to the water. Then when a fish snapsat it I go ... SNORT (sucking his mucus back in) ...and ... I catch a fish.

Till Dohse, Asheville, NC

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