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A Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999
April 6, 1999


People make a lot of jokes about lawyers, but let me tell you, there has got to be an easier way to make a living than practicing law. All day long you work with people who have terrible problems--alcohol problems, mental problems, financial problems, sexual problems ... and then there are the clients!

Tom Nagel, Columbus, OH


A duck walked into a bar and asked the bartender for some grapes. The bartender said "This is a bar - we don't serve grapes here." The duck left and came back the next day, again asking for grapes. The bartender said "No, I'm sorry, this is a bar - we don't serve grapes, and if you come back here one more time asking for grapes, I'm going to nail your webbed feet to the floor." The duck left and came back the next day. "Do you have some nails?" asked the duck. "No" said the bartender. "Good - do you have some grapes?" said the duck

Kaelen Burton, Age: 11


A young Jewish boy was doing poorly in school, particularly in math. His parents were beside themselves about how to motivate him to pay attention in school and to do his homework. Finally, they considered sending him to a Catholic school. Although they were distressed about potential problems that might arise from providing their child with a parochial education of a faith not their own, their concern for an academic solution was overwhelming. Even though they weren't too sure what nuns were, they had always heard that nuns had a special way of making kids buckle down and learn something.So with a certain amount of trepidation, the Jewish parents enrolled their Jewish son in the local Catholic school. The very first day, their son came straight home from school, went directly to his room, did all of his home work, and then studied his math facts for half an hour. The parents were amazed. Every single afteroon of that first week, the boy did exactly the same thing. On Friday, he brought home the first weekly quiz and proudly showed off the "A" he had received. His parents were astounded at this immediate and complete transformation in their son. Finally, they asked him what was different about his new school that had so totally inspired him to become such a good student. They boy responded, "Well, the very first day, when I walked into school and I saw that man nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!"

Suzanne Baker, Elmhurst, IL


What's the definition of mixed emotions? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. What's the height of conceit? Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. What's the definition of macho? Jogging home from your own vasectomy. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....the other is used to carry groceries. Why don't blind people like to sky dive? Because it scares the hell out of the dog. How do you double the value of a Yugo? You fill it with gas. What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common? Neither of them can stop a Bronco. I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double - The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me. What is forty feet long and has eight teeth? The front row at a Willie Nelson concert. What's the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesn't think he's a lawyer. Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.

Kimberly Yaxtheimer, San Antonio, TX


I don't know if you heard this one or not. Hilary and Chelsea were visiting and having a mother/daughter chat.
Hilary: So, how do you like Stanford?
Chelsea: Oh, pretty good, Mama.
Hilary: Are you making lot's of friends?
Chelsea: Oh yeah. Lot's of freinds.
Hilary: Are you meeting any nice boys?
Chelsea: Yes mama.
Hilary: Are you dating any one in particular?
Chelsea: Kind of.
Hilary: Have you had sex yet?
Chelsea: Not according to daddy.

Stretch Parsons, Sacramento, CA


TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A MAN: 10. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.9. Dogs miss you when you're gone.8. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.7. Dogs admit when their jealous.6. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.5. Dogs do not play games with you - except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).4. You can train a dog.3. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, really the worst disease you can get from a dog is rabies - but there's a vaccine for it, and you can kill the one that gives it to you.)2. Dogs understand what no means.1. Dogs mean it when they kiss you. ...and to be fair...

TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN: 10. A dog's parents will never visit you.9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.7. A dog never expects you to telephone.6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.5. A dog does not care about previous dogs in your life.4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentines Day. 2. The later you are the happier the dog is to see you.1. A dog does not shop.

Roland Berube, Concord, NH


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