Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 6, 1999
(Tell this using old man voices so that it makes more sense)
Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, more affluent neighborhoods to look for odd jobs, as a handy-woman.At the very first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure, that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked. "Yeah, great", said the man. "You'll find paint and brushes and all you'll need in the garage."Thge man went back inside his house where his wife had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well, she must know, she was standing right on the porch when we made the deal!" her husband replied.About 45 minutes latler, Julie knocked on the door and the man let her in the house. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeownert. The man was amazed. "You already painted the entire porch?" he asked. "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left so I put on two coats!"The man reached for his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch. It's a Ferrari."
Why did the cat cross the desert on Christmas day? To get Sandy Claws
A baby seal walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "What'll you have?" The seal replies, "Anything but a Canadian Club!!"
Two knights were riding through the forest. They came upon a milkmaid. One lifted his visor and asked, "Pray thee fair maiden, hast thou seen a knight in black armour with a white shield bearing a red cross and carrying a crimson banner?" "No, m'lord, I have not" she answered. "Very well, then go about God's business." They rode on. Soon they came to a blacksmith. "Pray thee, stout smithy, hast thou seen a knight in black armour with a white shield bearing a red cross and carrying a crimson banner?" said the knight. "No, m'lord, I have not." "Very well, then go about God's business." A ways further down the rode the knights stopped. One lifted his visor and said to the other "Where the hell is Frank?!"
The pope dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter welcomes him. "Everything heaven has is yours," he tells the pope. The pope asks, "Do you happen to have transcripts of the conversations Jesus had with his followers?" "Yes, we do," says St. Peter, and shows him to an enormous library. He pulls an enormous book off the shelf, hands it to the pope, and leaves him alone. Hours later, he returns to find the pope pounding his fists on the table and sobbing. "I don't believe it!" cries the pope, "There's an 'r!' There's an 'r!'" "Are you alright?" St. Peter asks with alarm. "There's an 'r!'" yells the pope again--"It says 'celebrate!'"