Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 6, 1999
1.Where do Norweigens keep their Armies?Up their sleevies!2. How much do you get for your allowance?My allowance is so low I can't afford to pay attention!
These fall into the category of little boy jokes. Somehow my daughters never went through this stage.1."Why did the dinosaur cross the road?" "Because there weren't any chickens."2."What do you get when you cross a skunk and a giant?" "I don't know but it stinks to high heaven."3."Why was the mummy detective so successful?" "Because he wrapped up every case."4."What do you get when you cross a hunting dog and a telephone?" "A golden receiver."
1.Where do hamburgers go to dance?To the meat-Ball!2.What do you call a pastry-eating snake?A Pie-thon?3. What did the dentist give the marching band?A Tuba toothpaste!
Why do we park on Driveways, and drive on Parkways ?Why do they call them "Hot water heaters", when you can not heat water that is already hot ?Why do they call them "Jumbo Shrimp", when they are so small ?
So these two men arrive in heaven at the same time. Saint Peter asks them to step forward and give their name and occupation. The first man steps up and says, "I'm Jim Walzcek, Taxi Driver. Saint Peter reviews his list, "Ah, yes". Hands him a silk robe, hands him a gold staff and welcomes him to heaven.The next man steps forward and says," I'm Gene Nelson and I was a Lutheran minister for 43 years". Saint Peter reviews his list, 'Ah, yes". Hands him a cotton robe, passes him a wooden staff and welcomes him to heaven. The minister, looking a bit taken aback, says, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful but the man in front of me recieved silk and gold".Saint Peter replied, "We judge by results. While you preached people slept, while he drove people prayed.
When I was growing up, we lived in a poor farming community in NE Pennsylvania. While we had plenty of lakes in the area, we had no swimming pools. My father decided that I should learn how to swim. We went to one of the lakes in the area and my father put a boat in the water. He rowed me out a little ways from shore and threw me overboard. I swam back to shore. He took me out further and threw me overboard again. Again I swam back to shore. He took me out still further to the deepest part of the lake and threw me overboard once more. I swam back to shore again. That's how I learned to swim. Actually, learning to swim wasn't the hard part ... it was getting out of that burlap bag.
Q.What do fishermen and hypochondriacs have in common?A.They don't have to catch anything to be happy.
A lawyer was driving much to fast down a country road. He ran a stop sign and broadsided another car. The lawyer jumped out of his car, ran to the other driver and pulled him out of the wreck. The other driver said "I'm fine, I'm just a bit shaken up." The lawyer then reached into his jacket and gave the driver a flask and said "Here's some brandy that I keep handy for medicinal purposes." The driver took several large swigs of the brandy and handed the flask back to the attorney, who promptly put the cap back on and returned it to his jacket. "Aren't you going to have some?", the driver inquired. "Sure," said the attorney. "Right after the cops leave."
A blonde woman was sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. She made up her mind that she would show her husband that blondes really are smart.One day, while he was at work, she purchased a can of paint and decided to repaint the living room. Her husband arrived home at 5:30 and smelled the distinctive odor of paint. He walked into the living room and found his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He observed that she was wearing a ski jacket as well as a fur coat. He went over to her and asked if she was OK. She acknowledged that she was. He then asked what she was doing. She replied that she had set out to prove to him that not all blondes are dumb and, to do so, she had elected to paint the living room. He then asked why she was wearing both a skijacket and a fur coat. Her response was that she had read the directions on the paint can and they said, FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.p>
How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?Five; one to actually do it and four to share the experience.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left side cut off?He's alright!p>
How can you tell if a blonde is making chocolate chip cookies?There are M & M shells on the kitchen counter!
At a bankers' dinner the other evening a banker read a bad poem that he wrote, and nothing was done about it. But just let a poet write abad check!
You can't fool all the people all of the time, but the average politician is contented with a sizable majority.
As my elderly aunt and uncle stoll downtown one afternoon they run into their old friends. They spend some time discussing this and that when one freind asks my uncle where they has been. "We just left the office of our memory doctor""Memory doctor? What is that all about?""Well" replies my uncle "As you know we are getting up there in age, and our memory just isn't as sharp as it once was.""Is the doctor effective?""Oh, yes, he's wonderful.""Really. You know, my memory is not too sharp these days either. Maybe I'll pay him a visit. Whats his name?""Oh. Uh. Well." replies my uncle. "Um. You know those things that grow out of the ground?". "You mean trees?""Kind of, but smaller.""You mean a bush?""Yes, a bush or a plant, but ... Um ... You know, more colorful.""A flower?"."Yes. A flower. But it has sharp, pointy, sticky things growing on it.""Thorns?""Yes. Thorns.""Oh!" says the friend "A rose!""Yes, exactly" says my uncle, turning to his wife "Hey Rose, what is the name of our memory doctor?."
On a ranch in Montana, a rancher hired a guy to help with putting in a long stretch of new fence. He had the guy dig holes for the posts. At first, the rancher thought the guy was an excellent worker. This guy could dig holes faster than anyone the rancher had ever seen or heard of. Eventually, though, the rancher found out that this guy only worked hard when someone else was around. When the guy was off by himself, he slacked off somethin' terrible. So the rancher fired him. The next day, the guy came back with a hand gun and a semi-automatic weapon. He shot and killed several people with the semi-automatic before turning the hand gun on himself and committing suicide. The traumatized rancher learned first hand what we have all heard. You gotta be wary of disgruntled post hole workers.
Here are two jokes for you from a long time fan...What do Kermit the Frog and Atilla the Hun have in common?Ans: The same middle name.DOCTOR TO PATIENT: I'm afraid I have bad news for you. You are going to die.PATIENT: Doc, that's terrible! How long do I have?DOCTOR: Ten.PATIENT: Ten! Ten what?...Ten days, ten weeks, ten years?Doctor: Ten...Nine...Eight...Seven....
God decided to destroy the world and asked for the 3 most important people on Earth to announce it. Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates were brought in. God told them the news and they were immediately transported back to Earth.Boris Yeltsin announced, "I have 2 pieces of very bad news. First, there IS a God. Second, God is destroying the Earth tomorrow."Bill Clinton announced, "I have good news and bad news. First, there IS a God. SEcond, God is destroying the Earth tomorrow."Bill Gates announced, "I have two pieces of very good news. First, I am one of the three most important people on Earth and, second, the Y2K problem is SOLVED"
One day Ole decided to build a new outhouse. As he was just finishing, Sven came by and started up a conversation. "So whatcha gonna do with the old outhouse, Ole", Sven asked. "I donno" Ole replied. Sven said "Say, I got an idea". The end result of the discussion was a plan to go get some old dynamite out of Sven's barn and blow up the old outhouse just for some fun.As Sven and Ole were back behind the woodpile busy wiring up the plunger, Lena came out of the house and went into the old outhouse. A moment later, the dynamite went off and Lena ended up in the front yard with bits and pieces of the old outhouse coming down all around her. "My goodness", she said, "it's a good thing I didn't do that in the house!!!"
Why does New Jersey have so many waste dumps and Washington, DC have so many lawyers?
What is the difference between a Magician and a Pizza. A pizza can feed a family of four.