A Prairie Home Companion Online Activities Archive

A Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999
April 6, 1999

VIAGRA - New and cheaper pill is called 1-2-3-4. To get the desired result you just say 1-2-3 and there it is until you say 1-2-3-4. I took one, got into bed, reached for my bride and said 1-2-3 -- she rolled over and asked "What did you say 1-2-3-for?"

Dick Kratz, Stoughton, WI

Phillip Glass has opened a resturarant. There's only one item on the menu, but you can have it as many times as you want.

Fred Chriswell, Austin, TX

Oscar prediction for the millineum: In the year 2000 Keanu Reeves will win Best Actor for his leading role in the film biography of Vice-President Al Gore.

Tom Reedy, San Angelo, tx

DRUNKEN TALEA drunk was driving home, after an evening at his favorite bar, when a policeman pulled him over.The policemen asked the driver if he had been drinking.The driver admitted he'd "had a few".The policeman then asked the driver, "Did you know your wife fell out of your vehicle about two intersections back down the street?"The drunk threw his hands in the air and shouted, 'Thank Heaven! Thank God! I thought I suddenly went deaf!!"

Richard Thomure, Madison, AL

Boy: "Grampa, can you make a noise like a frog?"Gramps: "I don't know, why do you want me to sound like a frog?"Boy: " I heard Mom say as soon as you croak we can all go to Disney World."
NEXT JOKE:A woman who hated to fly brought her Bible on the plane to help calm her. A man seated next to her scoffed. "You actually believe that stuff, like a man survived three days inside a whale? Tell me, how was that possible""That's one of the things I will ask Jonah when I get to heaven.""What if Jonah isn't IN heaven?""Then YOU can ask him."

Glenn Berg-Moberg, Janesville, WI

Here's a few...When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. "Is that your grandmother?" I asked. "Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas.""How nice," I said. "Where does she live?""At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her we just go out there and get her."

The eight-year old boy had never spoken a word-ever. Oneafternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "Soup's cold." His astonished mother exclaimed, "Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said athing. Why haven't you spoken before?"The boy looked at her and replied, "Up until now, everything's been okay."

Joan Straw, Onamia, Mn

GRAFFITI!!Graffiti on a toilet-seat protector dispenser in a men's room (Huntsville, AL): "I used one of these things, but she still got pregnant!!"

Richard Thomure, Madison, AL

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