Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 6, 1999
"What would Kevorkian say if he were a naturopath?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, you wanted ecchinacea" (accent on the first syllable).
Daniel Highkin, Portland, OR
An 85 year-old couple, after having been married almost 60 years, died suddenly in a car crash. They had been in exceptionally good health for the last ten years mainly due to the wife's interest lin health food and exercise.When they readhed the Pearly Gates, St. Peter personally greeted and escorted them to their mansion which had a beautiful, completely-equipped kitchen and a huge master suite replete with Jacuzzi.As they oooed and aaahed, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "This is Heaven".Next, they went out to survey the championship golf course in their backyard. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing one of the great golf courses on earth.The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?"St. Peter's reply, "This is Heaven, you always play for free."Next, they went to the clubhouse and a saw the lavish buffet lunch with cuisines from around the world laid out before them."How much to eat?" the old man wanted to know."Don't you understand yet. This is Heaven. It's FREE!!" St. Peter replied with some exasperation."Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man timidly asked.St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven!"With that, the old man went into a complete fit of anger, shrieking wildly and throwing down and stomping on his hat.Peter and the man's wife tried to calm the old fellow, asking what was wrong. The old man glared at his wife and shouted, "This is all your fault! If it wasn't for your damned bran muffins, I could have been here at least ten years ago!!"
Richard Thomure, Madison, AL
MORE BLONDE STUFFA blonde went to a sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," the salesman replied.The blonde hurried back home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV.""Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.."Darn, he still recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she went back to the store. She approached a different salesman and said, "I would like to buy this TV"."Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," was again the response.Completely frustrated, the woman exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?""Because that's a microwave," the salesman replied.
Richard Thomure, Madison, AL
Riddle: So what do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Answer: The same middle name.
Jim Chalker, Birmingham, AL
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