Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 6, 1999
A fellow is driving in the country and notices a farmer holding a large sow pig in an apple orchard. As he comes to a stop he notices the farmer is hefting this large pig up to the branch of a tree so the pig can take an apple in it's mouth. The farmer continues to hold the pig as it eats the apple and then uses all his strength to lift the sow to another apple on the branch. Amazed at the what he has witnessed the fellow parks his car and walks over to the farmer. Driver: "I couldn't help but notice all effort you're putting in to feeding that pig."Farmer: "Yeah I really like this sow. She's one of my best."Driver: "Well it seems there might be a more efficient way to get the apples to her. What if you set her on the ground and shook the apples from the tree? She could eat them off the ground. Just think of all the time that would be saved."Farmer: "Your probably right, but what's time to a pig?"
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender turns to him and says, "Hey buddy, why the long face?"
After the Yankees won the world series, George Steinbrenner takes the entire team to see MacBeth. So they sit through the first act and towards the end, as the witches are leaving they say, "Fair is foul and foul is fair, hove through fog & filthy air! "Suddenly, the umpire stands up and yells, "Hey, this means you guys lost!"
Ole was in visiting at the new bank building, and to meet up with his banker he had to get into one of the elevators and head up to the 16th floor. The elevator went up two floors, stopped, and in walked beautiful and, for the most part, unapproachable, Leina. She smiled sideways at him with a coquettish look, and before the elevator even started on its way up, she had pressed the stop button. She then turned to Ole and said in throaty tones through beautiful pouty lips, "Ole, now's your chance to really make me feel like a woman." Without any more encouragement than that, Ole husked off all his clothes and tossed them in the corner. Then, with a knowing look in his eyes, and a bit of a smile turning on his face, Ole turned to Leina and whispered, "fold my clothes."
Two Marines boarded a shuttle flight out of Washington, headed for SC. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takekoff, a Soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke.""No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Marine picked up one of the Soldier's shoes and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the other Marine said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one, too."Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat baqk and enjoyed the remainder of their short flight to SC. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and realized immediately what had happened."How long must this go on?" the Soldier askekd. "This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
Question: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?Answer: Only one..... but the light bulb must really want to change.
What do you call a pair of pants with three legs?Mutated jeans.
I would like to go to Holland someday.Wooden Shoe?