A Prairie Home Companion Online Activities Archive

A Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999
April 6, 1999

A fellow is driving in the country and notices a farmer holding a large sow pig in an apple orchard. As he comes to a stop he notices the farmer is hefting this large pig up to the branch of a tree so the pig can take an apple in it's mouth. The farmer continues to hold the pig as it eats the apple and then uses all his strength to lift the sow to another apple on the branch. Amazed at the what he has witnessed the fellow parks his car and walks over to the farmer. Driver: "I couldn't help but notice all effort you're putting in to feeding that pig."Farmer: "Yeah I really like this sow. She's one of my best."Driver: "Well it seems there might be a more efficient way to get the apples to her. What if you set her on the ground and shook the apples from the tree? She could eat them off the ground. Just think of all the time that would be saved."Farmer: "Your probably right, but what's time to a pig?"

Charlie Martof, Bainbridge Island, WA

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender turns to him and says, "Hey buddy, why the long face?"

Peter Ziegler, Sells, AZ

Fred had been a faithful husband and father. He was now in the hospital, near death.His family called their pastor to be with them at the hospital.As the preacher stood next to his bed, Fred's condition seemed to suddently deteriorate and he motioned frantically that he wanted to write something.The pastor tenderly handed him a pen and a piece of paper. Fred seemed to use his last bit of energy to scribble something before he had a final spasm and died.The pastor thought it best not to look at Fred's note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.The same pastor officiated at Fred's fuineral a couple days later. As he was finishing the service, he realized he was wearing the same jacket he had been wearing when Fred died. He said, "You know, Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm quite sure there's a word of inspiration there for all of us."He opened the note, and read, "MOVE . . . you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Richard Thomure, Madison, AL

After the Yankees won the world series, George Steinbrenner takes the entire team to see MacBeth. So they sit through the first act and towards the end, as the witches are leaving they say, "Fair is foul and foul is fair, hove through fog & filthy air! "Suddenly, the umpire stands up and yells, "Hey, this means you guys lost!"

Helen Truax, Age: 15

Ole was in visiting at the new bank building, and to meet up with his banker he had to get into one of the elevators and head up to the 16th floor. The elevator went up two floors, stopped, and in walked beautiful and, for the most part, unapproachable, Leina. She smiled sideways at him with a coquettish look, and before the elevator even started on its way up, she had pressed the stop button. She then turned to Ole and said in throaty tones through beautiful pouty lips, "Ole, now's your chance to really make me feel like a woman." Without any more encouragement than that, Ole husked off all his clothes and tossed them in the corner. Then, with a knowing look in his eyes, and a bit of a smile turning on his face, Ole turned to Leina and whispered, "fold my clothes."

Don Hagengruber, Englewood, CO

Two Marines boarded a shuttle flight out of Washington, headed for SC. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takekoff, a Soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke.""No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Marine picked up one of the Soldier's shoes and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the other Marine said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one, too."Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat baqk and enjoyed the remainder of their short flight to SC. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and realized immediately what had happened."How long must this go on?" the Soldier askekd. "This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

Richard Thomure, Madison, AL

Question: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?Answer: Only one..... but the light bulb must really want to change.

Kathi Neilson, bend, or

What do you call a pair of pants with three legs?Mutated jeans.

Ben Bobb, Spokane, WA

I would like to go to Holland someday.Wooden Shoe?

john mills, phoenix, az

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