Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 6, 1999
One Day Bill Clinton Was having trouble sleeping at night, and one night the ghost of George Washington came to him when he couldn't sleep and Bill asked him "What can I do to be a better president?" George Washington Said "Be Honest and Truthfull in everyting you do." Bill Clinton said thanks and the next night Bill Clinton saw the Ghost of Thomas Jefferson. Bill asked him the same question. Thomas Jefferson said "Cut the taxes, they love when you cut the taxes." Bill said thanks. The third night Bill Clinton saw Abraham Lincoln and asked him the same question. Abraham said "Spend More time in the theature!!"
A man from India, a Jewish man, and (any one you want to pick on, we'll say..) Gary were driving through the midwest when their car broke down late one night. They walked to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door. Explaining their situation, the kind farmer said "You can stay the night here but I only have two beds - one of you will have to sleep in the barn." "I'll sleep in the barn," said the Indian.About 15 minutes later there was a knock on the door. The farmer answered and found the Indian man there who said "I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn and in our country cows are sacred - I just wouldn't feel right sleeping out there."The Jewish man heard this and volunteered to trade places. About 15 minutes later there was another knock. The farmer went back to the door. It was the Jewish man who said "I'm sorry, but there is a pig in the barn and, being an unclean animal... I just don't feel right about sleeping out there."Gary heard this and offered to trade places. About 15 minutes later there was another knock on the door. The farmer, getting a little angry, threw open the door and said "What now??"There stood the cow and the pig.
HUNTING DOG!!A general retired after 35 years service and realized his life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in Mlinnesota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant hunting. The friend was in awe of the General's bird dog, "Sarge". The dog could point, flush, and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog at any price. The General declined, saying that Sarge was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn't part with him at any price. A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog. "What happened to old Sarge?" he asked."Had to shoot him," grumbled the General. "A friend came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him 'Colonel'. After that, all he would do was sit on his ass and bark."
"what did the fish say when it ran into the cement wall?" "DAM!"( I love the joke show, I sat out in my car listening to it two years ago, couldn't tear myself away, missed the FREE Hors d'oeuvres at a party because of it, talk about dedication.)