Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 6, 1999
How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb?Just one: but it takes a long time, is very expensive, and the lightbuld really has to want to change.
What do you call a smart blond?A golden retriever
A young Dublin university student with a distinctive Dublin accent - which I wish I could reproduce! was acting as a guide in Anne Hathaway's cottage in Stratford-on-Avon; his job was to show people Shakespeare's personal effects. This the student did with great reverence: he would say "Here ladies and gentlemen is the bed of Mr. William Shakespeare!" The group of people he was conducting took photos and were suitably deferential; the student took them to the kitchen, picked up a pot and in a similarly reverential voice announced: ladies and gentlemen - the pot in which Mr. Shakespeare made his porridge. More photos, more appropriate deference. Leading his group into Shakespeare's study the student picked up a tiny skull; he held it as any sacred relic should be held and in a hushed voice said: "Ladies and gentlemen - the skull of William Shakespeare!" You could hear a feather drop such was the reverence and awe until a snotty nosed, plummy voiced Etonian adolescent brat pompously dismissed the skull: "Rubbish! - that couldn't possibly be the head of Shakespeare - it's far too small". The Dublin student, sniffed scornfully and in the most measured voice retorted: "Excu u - u - u - se me - that is the skull of Mr. William Shakespeare when he was twelve".
This young fella was kind of concerned about the size of his apparatus--25". One day his friend told him that he had heard of a cure. He instructed the young man to go into the forest, where he would meet a frog. He was to propose marriage to the frog. "Don't worry," the friend said, "the frog will refuse, but it will solve your problem!" The young man went into the forest. There he met a frog. "Will you marry me?" he asked. "No." said the frog. The young man was delighted to find his apparatus 5" shorter! But still, 20" was too long. So he went back into the forest and found the frog again. "Will you marry me?" he asked. "No." said the frog. Another 5" gone! 15" was much better, but the young man decided that 10" would be just perfect. So he went back into the forest and once more found the frog. "Will you marry me?" he asked. And the frog responded, "How many times do I have to tell you? No! No! No!"
A little green turtle walked into a bar...[long pause]...six days later he idled up to the bartender and ordered a drink.(The bartender was overheard asking: "You'll probably need more than one for the road, huh?")
An old gentleman goes to the doctor and has a complaint."What seems to be the problem," Mr. Krebsback?"Doctor, I can't pee.""My oh my,"says the doctor. "Now how old are you Luther?""95.""Oh," says the doctor, "you've peed enough."
So tell me, why was Jesus Christ the perfect Jewish son?
Did you hear about the Norwegian man who so loved his wife that he almost told her? (NOTE: The source of this joke is the first episode of the PBS series "The River of Song.")
Five-year-old Becky answers the door when the census-taker knocks. He asks, "Is your daddy at home?" She says, "No, he's performing an appendectomy." "That's a big word for some one so young. Do you know what it means?" "Sure, it means $1,500, not including the anesthesiologist."