Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 7, 1999
Two workers drive into a lumberyard. One gets out, goes inside, and says to the clerk, "We need some 4x2's".The clerk says, "Do you mean 2x4's?" The worker says, "Just a minute," goes outside, comes back in, and says, "Yes, 2x4's."The clerk asks, "How long do you need them?" The worker says, "Just a minute," goes outside, comes back in, and says, "We'll need them a long time because we're building a house."
Three blondes were in a car accident and were killed. Upon meeting Peter at the pearly gates Peter explained they would be allowed admission if they could tell him what Easter was. The first blonde says (insert mall speak as you see fit),"Oh that's easy! Everyone knows that Easter is when you bake a big turkey dinner, have family over and give thanks!" Poof, she disappeared. The second blonde rolls her eyes and says, "I'm so sure! Everyone knows Easter is when you buy everyone presents and get a tree to decorate. It's my favorite holiday!" Poof, she is gone. The third blonde says,"I can't believe they said that! Everyone knows Easter is when Christ was persecuted, and sentenced to death on the cross. Three days later he emerged from the tomb, saw his shadow and we had six more weeks of winter!" Poof!
this is my most favorite joke in the whole world, but maybe i have a strange sense of humor.
The old retired General goes into the base hospital for his annual physical. "Any complaints about your physical condition?" the doctor asks."My sex life isn't as good and often as it used to be!" complains the General."Really, General, when was the last time you had sexual relations?" asked the doctor."1958!" said the General."Well, no wonder," said the doctor, "that's an awfully long time ago and you're an old man!"The General replied, angered, "Whaddya mean, it's only a little after 2100 right now!"
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. the chicken looks satisfied and is smoking a cigarette; the egg just looks annoyed. The egg mutters, "Well, I guess we just answered THAT question".
A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks. "Cojones, senor," the waiter replies. "What are cojones?" the man asks."Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.What's this?" he asks the waiter. "Cojones, senor," the waiter replies."No, no," the man objects, "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these.""Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not always lose."
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mommy was a wafer too long.
Hey!... do you known about the new US Bonds in the market today...........Nope!..The first one is the Gore Bond. But "there is no interest"The second is the Lewinsky Bonds. But "there is no maturity"the third one is the Clinton bonds. But " there is no principal"
An Amish father and son went into the city to a big department store, where they came across an elevator. They saw an old woman in a wheel chair wheel up, press a button, enterthe elevator, and wathced the doors close. A few minutes later the father and son saw the elevator doors open and a nubile young woman walk off. The father turned to the son and said, " son, go get your mother".