Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 7, 1999
* * * * * * * A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sentword through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally andwent up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observingseveral applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a daywhen a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was thereto apply for the bell ringers job.The bishop was incredulous."You have no arms!" "No matter," said theman, "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face,producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally founda suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward tostrike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of thebelfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishoprushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gatheredaround the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heardonly moments before.As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,"Bishop, who was this man?""I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face surerings a bell."(but wait, there's more...)The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heartdue to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's atrivia question), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame.The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brotherof the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfryyesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace himin this duty."The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man'sbrother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, hegroaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot.Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?", the firstbreathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"[Wait for it...]"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a deadringer for his brother."
Here are a few of my favorite "half deckisms", I have been collecting them for years and now have over one hundred- just tell me how to get published! He doesn't have all his dots on his dice. He's long on sheet rock, short on studs. His motor is running but the clutch slips. He's a General in the Air Force. He is half a bubble short of plumb. He is a taco short a combination plate. He is one fruit loop short a box.
Our local Catholic diocese is considering a partnership with area chiropractors. When a priest is dispatched to administer last rites, a chiropractor will go too. This will be valuable if the dying person needs any last-minute adjustments.
how many green bay packer fans does it take to change a light bulb? eleven, one to screw in the new bulb and ten to tell how great the old one was!
Why are nursing homes using VIAGRA with their male residents?To keep them from falling out of bed!
Tax Blues and Gold (a semi-humorous topical poem on blue moons and taxes)(music from Kind of blue (Miles Davis?))