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A Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999
April 7, 1999

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it take a bath.
You can lead a Norse to water, but he'd rather take a sauna.

What do you get when you cross a rooster with a rooster?
A very cross rooster!

Dusty: "Sorry Martha Stewart, but that never would have happened if you hadn't stepped between me and the spitoon!"

"Oh, what a funny looking cow ... but why doesn't it have horns?"
"Well, there are a lot of reasons cows don't have horns. Some don't have horns until late in life... some have been dehorned... some breeds of cows don't even have horns.
Now the reason that particular cow there doesn't have horns is because it's a horse."

kermit dickerson, reno, nv

I f Adam came back to earth, the only thing he would recognize would be the jokes

Go out and water the grass
It's raining
So, borrow a raincoat

He: How many drinks does it take to make you dizzy?
She: Two ... and my name is Daisy.

Weren't you embarrassed when you fell in the wet cement? Embarrassed... I was mortarfied.

Doctor, was my operation a success?
Sorry, I'm St. Peter

Ole: Sven, you should be more careful about pulling down your window shades. I saw you and Lena making love last night.
Sven: Ha, the joke's on you. I wasn't home last night!

Lena: I'd better warn you, my husband will be home in an hour.
Male friend: But I haven't done anything I shouldn't do.
Lena: I know... but if you're going to you'd better hurry up

Lena to male friend: Do you know how to sell vacuum cleaners?
Male friend: No.
Lena: Well, you'd better learn fast... that's my husband coming up the sidewalk.

kermit dickerson, reno, nv

So, you know Albert Einstein lived in this country for a while and he didn't have a driver's license so he had to ride the bus to get back and forth to his job at the university. He was a sociable guy and he like to talk to the other passengers, but he always tried to keep his conversation to their level. He got on the bus one day and asked the fellow sitting next to him "If you don't mind to you know what your I Q is"? The fellow says 170 so Einstein says "Well I'm Albert Einstein, have you heard of my theory of relativity" and they discussed that for the rest of the ride. The next time he gets on the bus there's a young woman sitting next to him, so he asks her "If you don't mind, do you know what your I Q is"? She said 120, so Einstein says "So what do you think of the political situation in the country" and they talked politics for the rest of the ride. The next time he gets on the bus there's a guy sitting there and Einstein asks him "If you don't mind do you know what your I Q is'? The guy say 70, so Einstein says "So, did you get your deer yet"?

Dan Fuhrman, Lansing, MI

Q: What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and people from Scotland?
A: The Rolling Stones say, "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!"
Whereas people from Scotland say, "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

Bill Marsh, Philadelphia , PA

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tellsher friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone callshim 'Father.'The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."The third Catholic crone says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, and the first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2," hard-bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh, my God...'."

Kathleen Romy, Bloomington, IN

An Amish Boy and his Father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by>almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls>that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his>father, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an >elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my>life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were>watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the>moving>walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled>between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and>father>watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.>They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.>The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped >out.>The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to >his >son, "Go get your Mother."

Kathleen Romy, Bloomington, IN

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