Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 7, 1999
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it take a bath.
I f Adam came back to earth, the only thing he would recognize would be the jokes
So, you know Albert Einstein lived in this country for a while and he didn't have a driver's license so he had to ride the bus to get back and forth to his job at the university. He was a sociable guy and he like to talk to the other passengers, but he always tried to keep his conversation to their level. He got on the bus one day and asked the fellow sitting next to him "If you don't mind to you know what your I Q is"? The fellow says 170 so Einstein says "Well I'm Albert Einstein, have you heard of my theory of relativity" and they discussed that for the rest of the ride. The next time he gets on the bus there's a young woman sitting next to him, so he asks her "If you don't mind, do you know what your I Q is"? She said 120, so Einstein says "So what do you think of the political situation in the country" and they talked politics for the rest of the ride. The next time he gets on the bus there's a guy sitting there and Einstein asks him "If you don't mind do you know what your I Q is'? The guy say 70, so Einstein says "So, did you get your deer yet"?
Q: What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and people from Scotland?
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tellsher friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone callshim 'Father.'The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."The third Catholic crone says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, and the first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2," hard-bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh, my God...'."
An Amish Boy and his Father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by>almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls>that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his>father, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an >elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my>life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were>watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the>moving>walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled>between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and>father>watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.>They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.>The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped >out.>The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to >his >son, "Go get your Mother."