Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 7, 1999
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and says, "You're an engineer, you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is welcomed. Soon, the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell; he begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer, "So, how are things in Hell?"Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And, there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." "What! You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell... send him to me." "Not a chance! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!" God insists, "Send him back or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"
A defending attorney was cross-examining a coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner said, "No." The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heartbeat?" "No." "Did you check for breathing?" "No." "So when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?" The coroner, now tired of the browbeating, said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
Two men were sitting on a bench in a park. One of them was drunk, and the other was also Swedish!Submitted by Ruben Vestergaard, Kastrup,Denmark
Q: What's the difference between a sunbather and an Arabian nomad?
After cautioning pupils not to cheat on a test, the teacher called up the dumb kid and accused him of cheating because the first five answers were just like the smart kid's answers that the dumb kid sat beside. The dumb kid assured the teacher, "So...maybe I knew the answers." The teacher said it was question number six that proved he was cheating because the smart kid wrote, "I don't know" and the dumb kid wrote, "Me neither."
A newly wed couple arrives in their honeymoon hotel suite. The bride goes into the bathroom and returns a few minutes later wearing a rather flimsy nightgown. Her new husband says, "Honey take that off." She replies "No". Again, he says, "Come on honey, take that off." She replies, "No". A third time he says (quite angry), "Take that off". Again she replies, "No". He stands up, and says very angrily, "If you don't take that off, I'm leaving." She replies "No." He storms out of the room and proceeds to the hotel lounge. After about an hour and a few drinks he feels quite remorsefull about having had an argument with his new bride on their wedding night. He returns to their room only to find the door locked and bolted.He knocks lightly. She says "Yes, who is it. "He replies, "It's me hon' open the door." She replies, "No." He says, "Honey, I'm sorry, please open the door." She replies, "No." A little angry he says "Look I'm really sorry, open the door."She replies, "No." His full anger has returned as he says "Look if you don't open this door I'm going to knock it down." After a brief pause she says, "Knock the door down, when did you get so strong, an hour ago you couldn't pick up a night gown!"