Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 7, 1999
Stolen from a computer bulletin board system: If you smoke after sex, you're doin it too fast.
A man is at a bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good samaritans and get him home. They pick him up off the floor and drag him out the door. On the way to the car he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help out of the car, and he falls down four more times. They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband." The man's wife replies, "Where the hell is his wheel chair?"
A man is in New Orleans for the first time.As he stands on a corner he see's what he thinks may be a funeral procession. A band, two large white hearses followed by a man with a dog on a leash with a long line of 74 men behind him.Quite curious, the visitor teps out and falls in step with the man leading the dog. He asks, "Is this a funeral?" The man with the dog replies, "Yes".The visitor then asks, "What happened?"The man with the dog replies, "Well, you see my wife, in the first hearse, got angry and yelled and fussed at my dog until the dog bit her -- she died three days later. Then my mother-in-law, in the second hearse, got so angry that she yelled and fussed at the dog until she got bit and then died."The visitor said, "That's terrible." Then after a moment added, "Could I borrow your dog?"The man replied, "Sure, just join in at the end of the line."
Q. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ below 90? A. Your honor.
There was this herd of buffalo see. They were just roaming around, you know. All of a sudden a buffalo who was having a converstaion with his buddy just took off. Full trot. Buffaloes don't wonder ya know. So the whole herd took off after him. Full trot. Stampeed! But then the lead buffalo, the one who started it all just stopped. The rest of the herd just trampled him. He was near death when his buddy who was slower stopped by to ask him what was going on. He said "you start a stampeed like that and just stop you could get killed! Why did ya do it?"The lead buffalo just looked up at his buddy and whispered: "I heard a discouraging Word"
A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not ea tleavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating matzoh. Soon a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzoh to the blind man. The blind man handled the matzoh for a few minutes... looked puzzled...and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"