Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 7, 1999
A rich man wanted desperately to take his wealth with him to heaven. He talked to many people to discover a way and finally found a psychic who had the answer. She gave him an old battered suitcase and said "Liquidate everything you have and buy gold. Put it in this suitcase and when you die it will go with you." The man did this. Later he died and was excited to see when he reached the other side that the suitcase was there. He looked inside and there was all his gold! He picked it up and struggled, lugging it up to the pearly gates. There St Peter looked at him quizzically and said, "You're the first person I've ever seen bring anything with him! May I look in the bag?" The man proudly handed it over. St Peter looked at all the gold in the bag and still looked puzzled. The man asked him what was wrong and he replied, "I just don't understand why you would bring paving stones with you!"
A baby seal walks into a club...
Only in America........Can a pizza get to your house faster then an ambulance! Are there hadicap parking places in front of a skating rink! Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions! Do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and diet coke! Do banks leave both doors wide open and then chain the pens to the counter! Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars out in the driveway and keep useless pieces of junk in the garage! Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place! Do we buy hotdogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight! Do we have driveup ATM machines with Braille lettering! Do we use the word "Politics" to describe the process so well. "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures"!
A Rabbi and a Priest are travelling to an ecuminical conference together and during the ride the Rabbi says to the Priest, "Father, I have something I have always wanted to ask someone about and I guess this would be as good an opportunity as any." He continued, "You see, with Jewish dietary laws and everything, I will never know what ham tastes like, but it smells wonderful and looks so good."The Priest smiles and agrees. "It is very good, it's slightly sweet, slightly salty and there is nothing better than a ham sandwich on rye with Swiss cheese and brown mustard!"The Rabbi thanks him for the wonderful description. Then the Priest decides it is a good time for him to ask something that has been on his mind for years so he asks the Rabbi, "Rabbi, since we're asking about things that are forbidden by our respective faiths, I'd like to know what it is like to have sex with a woman. Being a Priest I will never know the joys of the flesh and I have always wondered."The Rabbi gives the request thoughtful consideration and replies, "It beats the hell out of a ham sandwich!"
How long did Cain hate his brother? As long as he was Abel.orWhat did Cain do to his brother?He disabled him.
Farmer Brown was walking by Farmer Green's farm one day and noticed a very fine looking mare in the side pen. He stopped to admire the horse and then decided he would ask Farmer Green what he wanted for the horse. Farmer Green said he would part with the horse for $50. Farmer Brown thought it was a steal so he paid the $50 and took the horse home. A week later, Farmer Green is walking past Farmer Brown's place and sees the mare in his side yard. Farmer Green thinks to himself that he was crazy to part with such a fine horse so he approaches Farmer Brown to buy the horse back. Farmer Brown says he'll sell the horse to Farmer Green for $100. Farmer Green hands over the $100 and takes the mare home with him. Another week passes and Farmer Brown is once again walking past Farmer Green's place and sees the mare, regrets selling her, and pays Farmer Green $150 to buy back the mare. A month passes and Farmer Green is passing Farmer Brown's farm and can find no sign of the mare so he goes up to the door of the farmhouse. Farmer Brown comes to the door and Farmer Green asks, "Where is the mare?" Farmer Brown responds that he sold the mare to someone from the city who was passing and wanted to buy her. Farmer Green admonished him saying, "How could you sell her. We were making a pretty good living off that horse!"
You find yourself in a locked room with a polar bear, a tiger, a lawyer, and a gun with only 2 bullets, what do you do? Answer: Shoot the lawyer twice.
NASA wanted a civilian woman to go in a space shuttle. So they asked a brunette, a redhead and a blonde what planet they'd most like to go to. Brunette: Mars, because there might be intelligent life there. Redhead: Saturn, because of the pretty rings. Blonde: The Sun. The guy who was interveiwing her asked, "But don't you know that if you went to The Sun you'd burn up?" The blonde replied," Duh, I'd go at night!"
OUt in the Pacific Ocean Sam and his wife Sue, two clams, owned a Resturant that had live disco music every staurday night. There diner was known for its great musicians, the shrimp quartet. Bob played guitar, Chuck played the drums, sally sang and Harry played the harp. One day while crossing the street, Harry the shrimp was involved in an accident and was trammpled to death by a urchin driving an out of control sea horse. Every one at Sam's disco was devastated by this. With out old Harry playing his harp, disco just wouldn't be the same. Even harry, now in heaven was sad.. He asked St Peter if he could go back just once more and play with the shrimp quartet on a hopping saturday disco night. St. Peter said yes and allowed him to leave Heaven for one night. Harry joined the shrimp in there disco frenzy and had a great time catching up with all his old crustacean friends. When the night was over, he sadly returned to St. Peter. St. Peter looked at him and asked, "Harry, where is your harp?" And Harry sighed, " I guess" , he paused, "I left my harp at Sam's Clams Disco"