Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 7, 1999
(Eino and Toivo are the U.P. of Michigan's counterparts to Oli and ? of Minnesota)Eino and Toivo are sitting in a bar drinking beers and every so often highfiving each other: "Yah Eino! Fifteesix! Fifteesix!" After witnessing this several times, the bartender finally asks them what the significance of "fiftysix" is. Toivo begins: Well, yah know, last March, we were havin' cahbin feverh, reel baahd, and so wez decydid to dooh dis puzzle dat we hahd up dere at cahmp, yah know. Well, dis puzzle waz reel hard and it was all we could do ta finish it. We got it done on da fifteesixt day, "Yah! fifteesix Eino! Fifteesix!" ( highfive) An da best part is dat the box said six to eight yeers!"
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying:"NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has everseen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
Woman goes in to the Emergency Room at the Hospital, and says to the Doctor on Duty, "Doc, I have this problem, every time I go to the bath-room all that comes out is Nickles, dimes, and quarters. I don't know whats wrong."Doctor says "No problem, your just going through your change."
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)The perfect woman. She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man...
Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. During dinner, God told them, "I invited you to dinner, because I needed three important people to send my message out to all people -Tomorrow I will destroy the Earth!" Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them, "I have two really bad announcements to make. First, God really does exist, and second, tomorrow He will destroy the Earth." Clinton called an emergency session of Congress and told them, " I have good news and bad news. The good news is that God does exist, and the bad news is that he will destroy the Earth tomorrow." Bill Gates went back to Microsoft headquarters and told his people, "I have two fantastic announcements! First, I am one of the three most important people on Earth, and second, the Year 2000 problem has been solved!"
Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, The three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer. They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the rest room door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy any ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer. When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a rest room and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest room where the Microsoft employees are hiding.He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper "I'll have a C monkey please". The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5000". The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey; most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money." The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a consultant."
A farmer owned a very large herd of cows. There were so many that he had three bulls to service these cows. The first bull was a large and handsome speciman and the largest part of the herd was his. The second bull was a nice enough bull, but rather average, not as domineering as the first bull. However, he was satisfied with his smaller portion of the herd. The third bull was small and meek, and had only four cows that he could call his own.One day as the three bulls stood beside the barn, they overheard the farmer saying that he had just bought a new bull; a fine expensive, purebred animal with an excellent record. He had sired many prize winning heifers. The first bull snorted and said, "If he thinks he's gonna get any of MY cows, he's in for a big surprise, because I'm not gonna give up a one of 'em." The second bull said, "I'm not gonna let him near MY cows either." The third bull said quietly, "I sure hope he isn't gonna want any of mine. I've got so few."Then, one day as the three bulls watched from a knoll at the back of the big feed lot, a big trailer truck pulled into the yard and backed up to the barn yard gate. The gate swung open and a ramp was lowered to the the ground. The truck doors were opened and there stood the meanest, baddest, orneriest looking bull this side of the Mason-Dixon line. His shoulders filled the trailer doorway and the ramp creaked and sagged under his weight as he slowly descended.The first bull said, "Weeeeell. Maybe, just to show this new fellow what a good guy I am, I'll just give him a third of my herd." The second bull spoke up. "You know, you're right. We should be hospitable. I'm gonna offer him HALF of my cows. The third bull began to bellow and snort, and roar, and paw the ground. The first two bulls looked at him in disbelief. "What's the matter with you? Can't you see the SIZE of that guy?" To which the third bull answered, "I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."