Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 7, 1999
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day.The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop. A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.
I'm old enough to remember when.......Computer was something on T.V. From a science fiction review. A window was something you hated to clean. And Ram was the hubby or ewe. Meg was the name of my girl friend. And Gig was the band's playing site. Now they all mean really different things And that really mega bytes. An application was for employment. A program was a T.V. show A cursor used profanity And a keyboard was a piano! Memory was something you lost with age A c.d. was a bank account. And if you had a 3-l/2" floppy,y ou hoped nobody found out! Compress was something you did to the garbage -Not something you did to a file. And if you unzipped anything in public, you'd be in jail for a while! Log on was adding wood to the fire. Hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode. Cut you did with a pocket knife. Paste you did with glue.A web referred to a spider's home And a virus was the flu. I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head. Nobody's been killed in a computer crash, But they always wish they were dead!
Once, on a very windy day, a rabbi was on his way to the temple. Suddenly a strong gust of wind blew away his fur hat off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away to the point where he could not catch up with it. A young man, not Jewish, witnessing this event and being more fit than the rabbi, ran after the hat, caught it and handed it over to the rabbi. The rabbi was so happy and extremely grateful he gave the man five dollars and put his hand on the man's head and blessed him. The young man was very excited from the tip and from the blessing and decided to go to th racetrack and spend his 5 unexpected dollars. After the races the young man returns home and recounted his very exciting day at the races to his father. "I arrived at the fifth race," said the young man,"looked at the racing program and saw a horse by the name of "Top Hat" running. The odds on the horse were 100 to 1 -- the longest shot in the field. Having received the rabbi's blessing and the 5 dollars and thinking of the rabbi's hat and the horse's name being Top Hat I thought this was a message from God, so I bet the entire 5 dollars on this horse. An amazing thing happened, the horse that was the longest shot in the field and who did not have the slightest chance to even show came in 1st by 25 lengths. "You must have made a fortune," said the father. "I sure did, but wait, it gets better replied the son. On the following race, I looked at the program. A horse by the name of Stetson was running. The odds on the horsewere 30 to 1. Stetson being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi's blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse. "What happened?" asked the excited father. "The horse Stetson won and I collected big money." "You mean you brought home all this money?" asked the excited father. "No said the son, I lost it all on the following race. There was a horse in this race named " Chateau" so I bet all the money on it because the horse was the heavy favorite and the name also means hat in French and it all started with the rabbi's hat. The horse broke down and came in last. "You are really stupid and ignorant said the father. Hat in French is "Chapeau" not "Chateau". You lost all this money because of your ignorance. Tell me who won the race any way?" "A long shot Japanese horse named 'Yamaka'."
1. Employees were being urged to travel together to and from work. Many noticed that they had an uncontrolable urge to hum where the road went under the river. This became known as "car pool tunnel zen drone" 2. Two Californians decided to set up a bungee jumping business in Mexico. A crowd of local people gathered to watch the tower being built. For a final test, one man jumped off the tower and came back battered and bloody. "Did we get it rigged wrong?" exclaimed his partner. "No", came the reply, "the rig is fine. What's a Piniata?" 3. A Scotsman, noticing two lovely ladies sitting in a bar in Glasgow, asks the bartender to send them drinks. "Ye might not want to" the bartender replied "They're lesbians." "That's OK" he said and, after the drinks were served and acknowleged, he smiled and walked over saying "Ah!, so tell me ladies, what part of Lesbia do ye come from?" 5. A man found a small, brass statue of a rat in a run down antique store and asked the owner "How much?" $25 for the statue and $100 more for the story behind it" the owner replied. "Forget the story" the man said as he bought the rat and left. As he drove off, he noticed that more and more real rats were coming out of buildings and following him. By the time he reached the bay bridge, he thought "This thing must be cursed!" and he threw the statue over the rail into the water. The following rats also went over the rail and drowned. Amazed, the man drove back to the antique shop and told what happened. "Yeah yeah" the owner said, "Now I suppose you want the story for free". "On the contrary", the man replied, "Do you have any brass lawyers?"
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sits for a couple of months and begins to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Come on" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here. Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
An elderly Jewish woman climbs onto the bus and looks for a seat. Seeing no open spot, she approaches a teenage girl and says, "If you knew what I had, you'd offer me your seat." The girl's taken aback, but she figures she'll do the right thing, and she gives up her seat. The bus is sweltering in the midsummer heat, and the person next to the old lady has a little battery-operated fan. The old woman looks at him and says, "Oy, if you knew what I had, you'd let me borrow your fan." The man isn't sure what to make of that, but gives her the fan. A few blocks later, the woman approaches the bus driver and asks him to stop. "Lady, I can't stop until my next scheduled stop. You can get off there, it's just a few more blocks." "Oh," she says, "if you knew what I had, you'd let me off here." The bus driver'd seen her get the seat and the fan, and figures he should accommodate her. He stops the bus. The woman gets of the bus and the bus driver shouts after her, "Hey lady, what exactly is it you have, anyway?" She turns back and shouts: "Chutzpah!"