Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 7, 1999
(Humour from Great Britian)What did Charles say to Camila when he heard the song "You lived your life like a candle in the wind" on the radio?(scroll down)- "Listen, they're playing our song."
Quasimodo, the famous bell-ringer of Notre Dame, is in need of an assistant. He finally finds someone willing to do the job and takes him up to the bell tower to show him what to do. He explains to the new assistant: "First you take the rope and pull it way, way back, as far as you can, and then you let go. But remember to jump out of the way really quickly, as quickly as possible, or you'll be knocked out the tower to your death by the bell." So the assistant takes the rope, pulls it way, way back, as far as he can, and lets go. Quasimodo shouts, "Get out of the way! Get out of the way!" But alas, it's too late. The bell swings back and knocks the poor novice into the square below. Quasimodo rushes down the stairs to the plaza, where a crowd has gathered. Distressed and saddened, Quasimodo kneels over the body and begins to weep. "Quasimodo, did you know this man?" asks someone in the crowd. "No," replies the hunchback, "but his face rings a bell." Of course, Quasimodo is still in need of an assistant, so he hires another man, who just happens to be the dead man's brother. ("Don't worry," says the brother, "I"m the smart one.") Quasimodo takes the man up to the tower and explains: "First you take the rope and pull it way, way back, as far as you can, and then you let it go. But remember to jump out of the way as quickly as possible, or else you will be knocked out of the tower to your death." The new assistant says, "Okay, piece of cake," and takes the rope. He pulls it way, way back, as far as he can, and lets go. Quasimodo shouts, "Get out of the way! Get out of the way!" But it's too late, the bell swings back and knocks the man out of the tower to the cobblestones below. Quasimodo rushes down the stairs frantically and gets to the square, where he sees a crowd gathered around the body. Overcome with grief, the hunchback sits down and sobs. "Quasimodo," asks someone in the crowd, "did you know this man?" "No," says Quasimodo, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
A termite walks into a bar and asks for the bar tender.
Because of its liberal tax structure, a tiny European principality had a huge merchant marine fleet. Its ruler was somewhat eccentric, though, and required that the captain of each ship registered in his country emulate the behavior of a famous captain from history or literature. One captain, however, didn't seem to fit in, so the prince sent an investigator on the next voyage, threatining to pull the captain's comission if the prince was dissatisfied.When the investigator returned, he reported to the prince, "Your highness, you have no complaint against this captain. Each time the ship makes port, he sounds the klaxon once for each woman available per crewman." "I don't see how that makes him fit to command under my rules," the prince said. "Just who is he supposed to be?" "The Whore-ratio Horn-blower, your highness."
A man on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He noticed a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolled down his window and asked, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?" "The President just found out Starr delivered his report to the Congress and he's all depressed. He stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him.""Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"(scroll down)"About 2 gallons."
One day there was an old man on a moped that pulled up to a stop light. Sonn, a young guy in a Ferrari pulled up and sat revving his engine. The Old man asked him what kind of car it was."It's a Ferrari," he replied"Ibet that cost a lot," said the old man."Yeah, 200,000 dollars," the yound guy replied."It lokks pretty sharp there fella, can I look around inside?""Uh, sure."The old man then stuck his head and body as far as humanly possible into the young guy's car. He pulled it out and waited for the light to turn green. When it did, the man in the Ferrari floored it and took of at 200 miles per hour. When he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a tiny red dot coming toward him. It pasted him by so fast that he couldn't see what it was. As he continues driving, The same dot appeared on the road ahead of him and again passed him by. When the dot appeared behind him again, he stopped the car. All of a sudden the old guy on the moped comes crashing into the back of his Ferrari. He gets out and asks the old man if he's okay and if he can do anything for him.He says,"Yeah, could you unhook my suspenders form the rear view mirror?
What do you get when you cross a hillbilly and a mormon? Someone who marries all their sisters.