Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 7, 1999
What do the USS Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? The both circle Uranus looking for klingons.
Q:Why do elephants have flat feet?
Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins." "What a coincidence" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team." The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets." "Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation." My buddies at work will never let me live this one down. An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the 3rd man - who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me! Another coincidence?" asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel." After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly gained back his consiousness. When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedlythe same phrase over and over again. "I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven... "I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven... "I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven..."
A carpet layer had just finished laying new carpet in the living room of a nice house. He stood up, admired his work, and decided to go outside for a smoke. He went outside, reached in his pocket, and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. "Oh no!" he thought. "I must have dropped them in the house when I was laying the carpet. So he went back inside to look for his cigarettes. He looked all over the living room and was just about to give up when he saw a little lump right in the middle of the carpet. "Oh fooey!" he groaned. "There's no way I'm going to tear up all that carpet just to get my cigarettes." So he went back out to his truck, got a hammer, and started pounding down the lump so no one would see it. Soon he got the carpet pretty flat, and he was thinking no one would notice. He took all his tools back to his truck and was just about to leave when the lady of the house came out. "Thank you," she said. "You did a wonderful job. By the way, here. You must have dropped these. I found them in the hall." And she handed him his pack of cigarettes. "Hey, thanks, I was looking all over for these," the carpet layer said. "Sure thing," replied the lady. "Now everything would be perfect if I could just find my canary."
WE MISS THE KGB (Place and time: Somewhere in the Soviet Union in the 1930s.) The phone rings at KGB headquarters. "Hello?""My neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz is an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his woodshed.""This will be noted."The next day, the KGB goes go over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Rabinovitz, and leave.The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house."Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?""Yes.""Did they chop your firewood?""Yes, they did.""Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."
A tourist from St. Paul, traveling in the deep South, des-perately needed a dentist. Even though he found the only dentist around for 50 miles, he still felt compelled to ask for a reference. Calling the number the secretary gave him, he spoke with the former patient who had just arrived home from playing golf. When asked about the dentist, he replied: "On the 18th fairway, a 175 yard par three, I positioned myself to chip on the green when I heard someone behind on the 16th fairway yell 'Fore.' I turned around to see a golf ball land some 15 yards away. It bounced twice and hit me about 6 inches under my belt. For 20 minutes, it was the first time in 12 months I hadn't thought about that dentist."