A Prairie Home Companion Online Activities Archive

A Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999
April 7, 1999

A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to the Priest to seek his advice. He tells the Priest about all of his problems in the business and asks the Priest what he should do. The Priest says "Take a beach chair and a bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the Bible and it will tell you what to do." The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the Bible. The wind rifles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and sees what he has to do. Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Priest. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Priest a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the church in order to thank the Priest for his wonderful advice. The Priest is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the bible brought this good fortune to him. The man replies: "Chapter 11."

Kathy Palmer, Wilmette, IL

There is a thin person inside me struggling to get out, but I keep him sedated with chocolate.

Gary Stafford, Eagle, ID

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen into his life when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: "Quawwwwk...vus macht du...yeah, du...outside, standing like a putzel...eh?" Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..." Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?" Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?" "Vuh den? Chinese maybe?" In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. Then they both went to sleep. The next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while, saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted some too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrotwanted to learn to daven and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him the Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend.The parrot had been saved. One morning, on Rosh Hashona, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refusedto allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven and really should be allowed to be part of things. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"Nothing. "Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking. Daven!" Nothing. After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, very angry and saying nothing. Finally, several blocks from the temple, the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserablebird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tfillin and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashona, why? Why did you do this to me?" "Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur!"

Kathy Palmer, Wilmette, IL

A man dies and goes to heaven. Upon entering, St. Peter thinks it would be a good time to show him around.The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks. The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?" St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that? St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock." This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?" "Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

Kathy Palmer, Wilmette, IL

The cost of living has gotten so high I figured I could save a bundle if I just killed myself.

Chris Sanchez, Northport, NY 11768

Q: What do you get when you cross Microsoft with Apple? A: Microsoft.

Kathy Palmer, Wilmette, IL

The Top 15 Ways the Olympics Would Differ if Held in Arkansas

15> Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the crowd and sold as concession snacks.
14> Little Rock's most famous strip club, "Peek-a-Boo Street", forced to change its name.
13> In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns out to be owned by Hillary Clinton.
12> The Big Event? The 100m Sisterchase.
11> No snow + No ice = Skiing through 10 inches of grits and skating on fresh bacon fat.
10> Instead of shooting at boring targets, biathletes take aim at muskrats and ATF agents.
9> Olympic officials attempt to pass off LeAnn Rimes' frantic yodeling as a medley of all the different national anthems, "includin' all them new Russian ones!"
8> Metal detectors replaced with ringworm detectors.
7> Teary-eyed awe of seeing Olympic Flame burn is replaced by teary-eyed *hyucks* of seeing Vern light his own gas.
6> Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.
5> Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by awards of gold, silver and bronze teeth.
4> Curling now merely one part of the "Big Hair" competition.
3> Opening Ceremony reduced to Roger Clinton with a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle rockets.
2> Hometown favorites falter in ice skating competitions due to all them extra toes.
1> Two words: Billy Bobsledding

Kathy Palmer, Wilmette, IL

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