Prairie Home Companion - Jokes 1999 |
April 7, 1999
Cruise Ship Magician A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
A commercial for a new diet drug: "Zephalor- the diet pill of the future. Not for use of people who are smoking, may be pregnant, or who are over wieght."
Two farmers met a at an equipment convention and began to talk. One of the men owned a very large ranch and wanted to impress the other fellow. "How large is your farm?" asked the rancher."Oh, about 50 acres. How about your's?" The man stood proudly and said, "When I wake up at the crack of dawn, I could get in my truck and drive until sunset and still be on my ranch.""Yep", replied the man. "I had a truck like that once."
As God finished creating the universe, he realized he had two remaining gifts to allocate to living beings. So he descended on the Garden of Eden, and said, "Hello Eve and Adam. I have two more gifts, and I would like to offer one to each of you."Of course Adam & Eve were excited. They sat attentively. "The first gift," God said, "is the ability to urinate standing up." Adam leapt off his log. "OH Please God! Can I have that one? Pretty please! That would be soo cool!! I think that is perfect for me - why, I could pee while hunting and gardening. I could leave my name in the snow. I could just let it out any old time. It's such a functional gift. That would be so great! Please God, let ME have that gift!!!" Eve sat quietly watching. "Eve, did you want that gift?" God asked."No no, that's fine," she replied, "it is obviously important to Adam. Go ahead and give that to him." "Okay then, the ability to urinate standing up is yours, Adam." And Adam rejoiced. "Now," God continued.. "what do I have left for you Eve? OH that's right! Multiple Orgasms!"